~Hiccups~

How Hair Grows

2012-01-13T11:26:00.001-08:00

Evan says to me yesterday, "Mom, I know how to make your hair grow. If you have a brain freeze and stick your head in the sun, it grows. I just did it and felt my hair grow."

He comes up with the silliest stuff. Those green eyes melt my heart.

October 22

2011-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw you. We had waited for so long to meet you. Your daddy had a most amazing look on his face. He was so proud of you! You were lying next to your mommy with her arm tucked around you.She looked perfect. You made her a mommy and her face was filled with peace. I was amazed. Simply amazed by you and by them. Of course, I had felt an intense love towards the babies I had given birth to, so it struck me that I could feel such an intense love towards someone I had never met before. You captured my heart with your sweet little face, your dimpled chin, and your head of black hair just like your mommy's. I wanted to hold you forever. When I was driving back to the hospital that morning when the sun came up, a morning very similar to this morning, I was struck by how new the world felt to me. It was a gorgeous first day to be alive. The leaves were turning, the sky was blue. The contrast in colors was simply beautiful. And, there was a place in my heart that was new and beautiful to me as well. I had no idea how much I would love you, but you my precious little grandson, have stolen my heart. As I sit here, with tears running down my face, the memories of one year are filling my heart. I love that you love me unconditionally. I love that when you see me you smile so very very big. I love that you want me to hold you. I love watching you walk, talk, laugh, squeal, and ask me for bites by smacking your cute little lips. I love that you trust me. I love that you laugh at me. Watching how safe you are fills my heart. Your parents are amazing. Watching them love you and take care of you brings such peace to my heart. You are blessed beyond measure to have been born their son. I am thankful you are safe. My Sweet Little Finny, please always remember that you are loved by your mommy and daddy, your grandmas and grandpas, your aunties and uncles, and that God has a purpose and a plan for your life that He put in place before you were even made. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Every precious part of you. I can't wait to share more time with you and create more memories with you. I love you bigger than the world, Gamma

What I Do All Day Part 2

2011-10-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

I kiss my little guys.I watch all of my children because watching them is an amazing thing to do.I watch them play in their games and practices, interact with each other, be silent, be LOUD, just be.I hold the little ones and am privileged enough to be confided in by the older ones.I hopefully respect and love my husband enough for him to notice.I take joy in their accomplishments.I am amazed by my grandson and just pick him up and maul him randomly. I correct and hopefully direct my children. Sometimes I fail at this and sometimes I succeed. I lose my patience and have tons of patience.I love having my amazing home and taking care of it.I feel overwhelmed by how much work it takes some days. I am honored and humbled to have a husband who cares for all of us...financially and emotionally. There are very few days I am not struck by his consistency when he gets up before dawn.I am honored and humbled that he and I are on the same page with his job and my job.I make a lot of mistakes with the people I love. I am hopefully humble enough to admit them and ask for forgiveness. I pray I honor my God, my family, my friends.I pray I am a blessing to those around me because I am beyond blessed by them.My days are full. My days may look the same with little things thrown in here and there. But, I cannot imagine doing anything else right now. It is real. It counts. It is my life. And I will count my blessings in the midst of the busy.

What I Do All Day

2011-10-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me what I do all day long...I am a stay-at-home mom you know. My life is a cake walk apparently. It stung. It cut, I have to admit. But, I decided to look at what I do all day long, to take note of it. So here is my day...just today until 6:00 p.m.

Wake up
Text a discouraged friend.
Stumble to get coffee.
Laundry...
Make sure the boys are ready for the day which requires multiple attempts.
Laundry...
Set them up for school.
Wash bedding...
Teach them how to read, write, math, science, social studies, art, etc. etc.
Finally get myself ready for the day, but the legs will have to wait for another day.
Say for the millionth time...and I am not exaggerating...Don't bounce the ball in the house!
Finn comes to visit while daddy goes to school and mommy goes to work.
Run to the bookstore across town to get Amanda her book for Honors English that no one in town seemed to carry except a small used book store...clear across town.
Run to the grocery store to get spaghetti sauce for dinner.
Run to my friends house to drop off some things I borrowed a month ago.
Run the book to Amanda.
Run home to finish up school with the boys.
Make a lasagna for dinner.
Run Amanda her soccer shirt she forgot...yes, I am aware I probably shouldn't have done that if I am teaching her responsibility.
Run to Evan's soccer practice.
Run home to get Lindsey.
Run to Amanda's soccer game while dropping Ian off at football practice which requires getting tons of gear found and ready.
Get home to throw dinner in the oven.
Laundry...
Get a call about something I have to do tomorrow.
Sit down to send Ryan a paper for school that is on my computer.
Answer a few important emails.
Which leads me to this....

I have no idea what I do with my time. I guess I should get a job that brings in money so that I can do something important with my life.

or not...

9/11/2011

2011-09-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

"History is a tool for the living."

I heard this last night on a 9/11 special. It will go in my "favorite quotes" book. It stirred me, made me stop for a moment. My heart was broken in a new way watching it all happen again last night. Hearing the voices of those lost...and some who were saved. Seeing the pictures of things that are way too hard to grasp on a television screen. I didn't know if I could make it through it was so heartbreaking. But, I am thankful my heart feels broken over something so horrible. I am thankful I have not become immune to human suffering.

I don't think 10 years ago I even began to grasp what was happening. I had no idea what the twin towers even were. I had no idea how to feel when we were the ones actually being hurt. It felt fiction.

I hope I grasp it a little more today. Not to become angry, miserable, or fearful but I just don't want to take what we have for granted. I don't want to forget how blessed we are and how quickly that can change. I don't want to forget that the human race is good, caring, sacrificing, and loving even if there are some who don't fit into that category. I don't want to forget our history.

Spinning

2011-09-06T23:37:00.001-07:00

I won't even try to put into words what is happening in our lives right now. Busy is one of the ones I can think of, but it doesn't even begin to describe what is in my heart. Whatever emotion it is, it leaves me shaking my head. It causes me to close my eyes and marvel. I am blessed beyond measure.

On an adorable note, I have an Evan story to write down. We were at Amanda's soccer game today. One of Amanda's teammate's baby brother who is a few months younger than Finny was there. Evan looked around after playing with him forever and said, "Well at least there is a baby to play with here!" Everything Evan says is with emphasis and excitement. Then he walked to the top of the bleachers and made a friend. He came down after me watching them be simply adorable together, and he got right in my face and said, "He asked me to be his friend! I didn't even have to ask him because he asked me first!" I asked him what his name was, and he said he didn't know because he forgot to ask him. Hmmm...Those green eyes kill me EVERY time....every time.

I have always been amazed that if you are a child and you see someone the same size as you, you don't even have to know their name and you can be instant friends. Wouldn't life be sweeter if we could make more friends just because someone happened to be where we are?

I am reminded daily how when a woman becomes a mother how her heart instantly shreds and becomes vulnerable, indescribably vulnerable. Amanda said she doesn't think I watch her games because I can't tell her everything that happened, but I told her it is because I am too busy watching her...not the game. If she doesn't have the ball, I am usually watching her do something amazing that no one else might notice. But, I am her mommy, and so I will get teary every time.

Ian played his first football game....I knew it was coming despite my fear, but it is what it is. I just have to believe that all those pads are going to do their job. I have to say, I think Ian in his football uniform ranks up there with little baby toes. Seriously kills me. I want to maul him, but when I tell him that, he tells me his dad would never let me do that. So, I told him I would just weep in the stands. That makes him laugh. It is interesting though how the simple little things are such big moments. When he takes his stance and his little feet shift, I think I am going to die because he is so cute. Again, I have no idea what is happening in the game, because my eyes are on him. Steve has to tell me when they are actually running for a touchdown.

A little picture of my life I long to remember.

Nursing, Nests, and Little Blue Pajamas

2011-08-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

There are a few things I want to remember. I want to remember Evan walking around in his little blue pajama shorts with no shirt and his socks on and telling me how amazing it feels when he takes off his socks after a long day. I want to remember that when he sees his daddy looking at him through the kitchen window he says "daddy" with complete love and peace in his voice. I want to remember that when Ian and Evan feed Finny his bottle they ask him if he wants uncle to nurse him because they are so very very innocent. I want to remember that they think mommy cats come and find their kittens and take them back to their nest when it is time for bed. I want to remember because these are the things that take my breath away and make my heart skip a beat.When my children are all grown, I want to remember the emotions that only I can feel because they are my babies. I want to remember what it feels like to be their mommy.

Moments

2011-07-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

There are so many moments in 43 years. It is hard to comprehend

The people I have known,

The places I have been,

The laughter,

The tears,

The love,

The hatred,

The joy,

The pain,

The peace,

The devastation.

Simple moments,

Life changing moments

Have composed my life.

As I sit and reflect on these areas of my life, my heart is consumed with emotion.

How did I get here?

It went too fast.

I love being the mother of adult children, but my heart can hardly bear that they are grown. Sometimes I am reminded of what has come and gone. I wish I would have stopped in the midst of changing diapers and kissing owies and tried to freeze those moments in my soul. I wish I remembered more.

I wish I could go back for a moment.

Just one moment.

I would like to hold them on my lap again, smell their little heads once more and tell them how much they mean to me as they squirm to get down and go play.

But, I can't, and I now know that this is not forever. This moment will also pass. So, as I sit here with my grandson on my lap, I will try to consume his precious smile that I am seeing through my tears. I will reflect on the moments gone by but try not to stay there too long. This moment is sitting right here in front of me, and I don't want to miss it.

Committed and Consistent

2011-06-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

There are many words that come to my mind when I think of my husband, but the two that stand out today are committed and consistent.

Steve is wholeheartedly dedicated and unchanging.

I truly could not ask for a better man to be the father of my children.

I am blessed by his quiet consistent commitment. I am blessed by the security he offers our family.

He just is. I never have to guess with him.

That is what I needed.

That is a gift.

Happy Father's Day, Steve.

I love you.

Till Death Do Us Part

2011-06-16T11:58:00.001-07:00

What happened?

How did I get here?

What now?

I am lost!

How am I going to do this alone?

Will I survive the very crushing of my soul?

These are just a few of the thoughts that ran through my mind in April of 1997. I found myself without a husband with four little girls, no family anywhere close to me. I was alone and the world felt huge, hopeless, and I was beyond afraid.

I don't go back to this place very often, but sometimes you have to look at the end of one thing to recognize the magnitude of something new.

This was the beginning of the rest of my life. This was my redemption from a life filled with constant self doubt and fear. This was when God pushed the restart button on my life and began the process of restoring my heart. This was the day I understood real pain, and that God brings beauty out of ashes.

During this period of time, I wept to the very depths of my being. I thought I would die of the pain that encased me. I could not get away from it. I wanted to die, but I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my girls. I was confused on how love worked. I didn't even know what romantic love was. It was a foreign language to me.

There were days when I lost focus, but overall, I kept my bearings. I kept my eyes on Jesus, and I just kept walking toward Him. Sometimes all I could do was crawl, but at least I crawled. If I would have stopped, I would have perished. There is no doubt of that. He kept me breathing. He also gave me promises.

I longed to have a man love me the way I was created to be loved. I was twenty-nine, and the very thought of spending my life alone was more far-fetched in my mind than someone willing to look at what my life held and then choose to embrace it. I longed to be sought after, wanted, treasured, and I longed to be held. My heart and my flesh cried out for that. We were created to love and be loved. I was no exception.

My path was long. There are far too many seconds in two years, seconds that I had to survive and make sure my girls were OK. But, each second I chose to live and breathe was a second of healing for me. Second by second I was learning to trust.

I would stand at night on my porch and look at the moon. I would wonder where he was. I would walk around the park and wonder what it would be like someday to walk there with him. I knew he was out there, but I also knew God was doing something in his heart as well. He no doubt had to be a man of honor. My heart could not take anything less. Not a perfect man, but a man who was loyal. A man who would never leave me until death do us part. A man who kept his promises.

On June 16, 1999, I stood in front of some of the closest friends in my life. I stood before them with my man. For the first time in a long time, I felt joy. I was not alone any longer. I was one with someone who loved me. Through thick and thin, I was now married to a man who chose me and my life.

That was 12 years ago today. We have passed major milestones in our life together. We are Steve and Shellie. We go together. We are family.

This is not a story of two perfect people who had it all down. Even though Steve was my prince charming, we did not ride off into the sunset on a white horse. We rode off in a minivan with five little girls in the back and with all our baggage. We were in for a very bumpy ride.

This is a story about two imperfect people who stayed. And because of that, neither one of us fears being left any longer. Through all of it, we stayed family.

It is as simple and complex as that.

Thanks

2011-05-20T21:35:00.001-07:00

Regarding my last post...

Thanks to my friends who left comments, my friends who emailed me, and the friends who called or text. I so appreciate all of you, even those of you I have never met. Your kind uplifting words, your encouraging me to share my real life with you, and simply telling me that it is ok to be tired, has all given me new strength.

I am feeling better. I wrote it all down in an email to my amazing mother-in-law, and that was tremendously helpful~just getting it out of me was so freeing. The sun is out which may seem silly to some, but truthfully, the lack of sun does make me sad sometimes, I started taking tons of Vit D and trying to do more things to take care of myself. It feels like it is paying off at this point. I'm not out of the woods, but I do see the light. I really do. Just keep praying for me. :-)

Thanks again.

Reality Check

2011-05-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

I think I need therapy.

No really.

What pushed me to this realization?

The other day someone who means nothing positive to me decided to knock on my door and say some ridiculously mean things about me and my family. I, being the protective mom that I am, defended my babies and then started crying. She then proceeded to tell me to get a handle on myself. As mean as it was, I kind of agree with her. Why was I crying over her? What the heck? She is crazy. No really. I am not joking. Can I say that? If you know me, you know I am a nice person. I have forgiven even the worst of my "enemies." And, I need to continue working on this with her, but what got me is how hard I took it. Really??? Seriously??? Any sane person would tell me to let it roll off me like water off a ducks back, that there is nothing rational in this situation, etc. I have dealt with her and hers for years. She has made it clear that she hates me because I am an "over zealous Christian freak." Hmmm...k! Maybe that is a compliment. I truly have no idea why she would say that to me. I have tried to encouraged her through some tough times, asked her to forgive me when I have been short with her, let her kids in my house, taught my kids to forgive even when it is not easy and we have truly been wronged. I have never "preached" at her, judged her, etc. At least I don't think I have.

Anyway, I am rambling. The point is, after she left, I vowed to never leave my house again, I closed my curtains so she couldn't see me...she is my neighbor, told my boys they could never play in the front again, and then cried for like...6 hours. The kind of crying that makes the blood vessels in your eyes break. Please say it for me! WHAT THE HECK! Why did she get to push me over the edge?

Can I just say that the past 8 months have knocked it out of me....whatever "it" is?

I have felt this day coming for awhile now, felt myself slipping a little bit. When I stop and think about all that has happened in my life since September, it is clear why I would need to process it with someone who can handle me sitting there bawling, but the question is...do I have the energy to search for that person?

I guess I have realized that even though I had lots of people walking through this stuff with me, no one walked through each moment with me. Some of it was flat out traumatizing. I am not saying that lightly. Believe me, you would probably end up on your knees over some of this stuff too. I am not faint of heart...or I didn't use to be anyway. The things I have experienced are tough by themselves, but I had at least 8 things hitting me hard, one after another, some colliding into each other, some still happening. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I thank God that I am still standing. Without him I would not be. That is for sure. But...

The past 8 months have left me feeling

tired~well exhausted really.

like a failure on some levels~I don't know if I will ever live up to others expectations.

overwhelmed~when will it end?

fat~10 pounds???

aged~did I look this way 8 months ago?

defeated~at least today.

afraid~what if it doesn't stop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry to be a downer.

But, this is it today.

This is real.

This is me right now.

Maybe, I pray, tomorrow will be better.

I need that.

Laugh All You Want To

2011-04-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today I took the boys to the pool. After we went swimming, we were in the family dressing room. Evan all of a sudden crawled under my door, so I dove for my towel. I had only gotten as far as my "underpants." There are very few things that are funnier to Evan than underpants. He thinks they are hysterical...and mine don't exactly look like boxer briefs, which only added fuel to the fire. He started with a little chuckle, and his chuckle progressed into a full blown yelling belly laugh. I asked him why he was laughing...even though it was obvious. He got very serious and looked at me. Then he replied simply, "Because, it is funny."

...or uncomfortable. Depending on who you ask.

But, laugh all you want to, my cute little boy. It makes my heart full to hear you laugh...even if it is at my expense.

Front Porch Moments

2011-04-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I deleted my facebook...yes, I did.

I have no regrets.

Deactivated...

De cluttered...

I wasn't even sad!

Is that weird?

Am I a social outcast?

Who cares!

Bring it on!

"Crowded Loneliness"

A phrase that stuck in my head today.

A phrase that kind of stings.

A phrase I get.

I am surrounded by people.

Friends

Strangers

Family

But I have to admit there are days when I wonder...

Who would I call if things were hard with my man, my kids, my parents, MYSELF for goodness sake?

Who could I call to say, "I really screwed up today," without fearing judgement, rejection, or worse yet, that uncomfortable look in their eyes that says I shared too much, went a little too far? That look that says, "Let's be real, but...not that real."

I woke up with that question this morning, so...

I slowed down.

I looked.

And I found that there are...

People who will stop and say hi

People who want to talk

People who want to hear my junk

People who want to hear my rejoicing

People who will cry and laugh with me when it hurts

People who will cry and laugh with me when I am too overwhelmed with joy and no words will express it.

Wow!

That is simply...

Amazing

Breathtaking

I have been thinking about front porches today and what they represented years ago...

Relaxation

Community

Friendship

Peace

Fellowship

Can you hear the kids laughing and the dogs barking?

Can you feel the warm summer breeze that smells like fresh cut grass?

Wouldn't it be amazing to...

Take a walk in the evening?

See people sitting outside with the love of their life next to them?

Pass someone getting a little fresh air?

Notice someone playing with their kids?

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all a little less isolated?

Maybe it could be that way again if we slowed down.

Maybe it is time for a change.

Maybe I will sit on my front porch, take more walks, blow bubbles and watch my boys innocently chase them.

Maybe someone will walk by

and we can talk

face-to-face

simple conversation

or deep

Whatever...

Nothing planned

Just real

That sounds so amazing to me.

About a week ago, a friend of Steve's and mine dropped by to give us a hug. Maybe that is what started the ball rolling again in my head.

I loved it.

It felt so real to me.

I wasn't worried that I was still in my PJ pants or that my house wasn't perfect.

I was simply amazed that we were on his mind, and he acted on it.

I want to act on those feelings more.

Tonight I don't feel "crowded loneliness."

Here is to more front-porch moments.

I am starving for them.

See you Facebook.

I want the real deal!

I Wonder

2011-04-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

I wonder...

about many things.

I am right in the middle of my life.

What does that mean?

Where am I SUPPOSE to be, and...

am I doing that?

Is this all working?

Do I have what it takes?

Will the hard things get easier even if...

other hard things come along?

Am I looking for too much?

Do I ask for the impossible?

I hate pain, yet...

we all experience it.

I know it brings depth.

I know I wouldn't be the same

without my walk through the fire, but...

I need fresh air when it is bursting around me.

The smoke and ash sometimes choke me.

Most days I catch my breath, but...

some days, I simply wonder...

What

is now?

is next?

is strong?

is weak?

is right?

is wrong?

is worth fighting for?

is best let loose?

Sometimes I wonder...

am I the best I can be, or...

am I missing something vital?

I wonder.

2011-03-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

"There is a word that hasn't been given yet. It will describe another piece of my heart. A piece I am not quite sure of yet, but I know that when I think of that place in my heart and think of that unknown word, my heart feels completely vulnerable. I simply and complexly can't wait to meet him. He will have a word for me too. I wonder what it will be. It will describe me. When he says it, he will know exactly what he means, exactly who it describes. His grandma. And you know exactly what I mean by that one simple word."
A friend of mine said she had been reading my blog, and since I haven't written in forever, I decided to go back and read some of my posts. I ran across this. My eyes were already blurry because I love reading my heart; where I have been, where I am going, where I am right now. I write for me, and I am so glad I do. I don't want to forget what lives in me.

But, when I got to this, I could no longer see the screen. I still can't very well. Now that I know this little person, my heart has been changed once again to a degree I can't explain. He made me a grandma...a gamma actually. That is my name, and oh how I love it. It no longer describes a little old lady. It describes me and my relationship with an amazing little person who has stolen a chunk of my heart. Actually he didn't steal it. I gave it to him. I am smitten.

My Story

2011-01-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

I love to journal. There is nothing quite like it. Pouring my heart out, being real in a way that sometimes I just can't be with anyone but myself, and even then it can make me cringe when I "read" what I am actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes it is way too raw for comfort.

So many of my journal entries are just pouring out my heart to Jesus. He can take it. I am so thankful He doesn't decide some days that I went to far, I was too real, or that He just can't take it any longer. I am so blessed to have a living, breathing, relational God.

I have been reading about the Roman Empire lately...another fabulous set of books from my favorite author, Francine Rivers. Not to get on a side note, but people then completely sold out to statues of dead, non breathing gods. I guess this isn't far from where many are today...maybe even me at times, although my "gods" aren't statues. They unfortunately exist in my heart. The god of fear. The god of pride...I NEED a breathing God. I NEED a living God. I need a relational God. I am way to messed up to do this without Him. I am too human to not know that I am nothing without him.

But, the Christians during that time, when the dark was so dark, I can learn from them. To stand in the path of a starving lion and not run, counting it all joy to die for their faith in the one true God. I want a faith like that. I want to count it all joy when I fall into trials. To get that this is not the end of the story. That the days when it is all too much...it isn't over.

But, back to journaling. It is obvious why I journal isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder if I should burn some of my old journals so my girls won't find them when I am dead and gone. The gory details...it helps to write them down. I use to scream whole pages....sometimes, I admit, I still do.

But, then I realize that I want my girls to know I was real, I was human...and that I made it even when my heart was ugly, hurt, broken, and joyful. I want them to know my love for Jesus and his love for me were consistent, even when I was all messed up. I want them to know that no matter what they think or feel in their hearts, no matter how much they doubt, they are not beyond redemption or purpose or Jesus love. My one true goal is to be real. When I am gone, I want to be known as authentic, not plastic. So, I will keep accumulating my stack of journals. And maybe someday, when one of my precious girls wants to give up, she will open one of my journals, read one of my stories, and see that if I could make it, so can she. And then, I pray she will know that she knows that she knows where my strength and her strength comes from. Our living breathing God who desires relationship with us, whose heart is for us, who has a purpose and a plan for us. It is a good thing to know. It is the most important part of my story.

$26,000

2010-12-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Evan...of course.

(Steve) You are goofy.

(Evan) No, you are a goofy daddy.

(Steve) Isn't that ok?

(Evan) No, I want you to be a nice daddy and give me twenty-six thousand dollars.

(Where does he come up with this stuff?)

Laying Eggs

2010-12-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

One more for the record:

I said, "Secretariat had 600 babies." (You know...the movie that is out which was fantastic and great for the whole family and at the $3 theater.)
Evan Said, "That is impossible. His mom laid that many babies not him."
I guess all mom's lay eggs in his sweet little innocent mind.

The Truth

2010-12-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

Grandpa said, "Evan, are you sure you are telling me the truth about your mother's gum?"

Evan said, "Yes, I stopped lying two weeks ago."

Afraid, Helpless, and Then...Always...Grace

2010-10-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

I was reading a new book this morning. There was a scene in the book where the daughter came home feeling completely used up and worthless and afraid of being rejected. The father picked her up and held her in his lap on the floor while weeping. I get that. For some reason I get that. Is it because I know what it feels like to be the one who is afraid of being rejected by people I love or by God at times? Is it because I know what it feels like to hold one of my precious children in my lap when they are broken beyond anything that I can fix? To feel helpless. Is it because I know what it actually feels like to be picked up by my God and held on his lap when I don't deserve to be there but am given grace beyond measure? All of it. I feel all of that. So, I sat there and cried over all of it.

Then in the story, just when she felt safe, people started judging her and throwing her away, passing judgements on her actions despite not having a clue what it was like to walk her path. Oh, now that I get. Rejected. Trying. Never good enough. Stained. Damaged. People wiping out their KJ versions to tell me how bad and doomed I am even though I knew that it wasn't me that had gotten off the path heading toward Jesus. I had a massive scarlet D on my chest for so long. I still have secret scarlet letters. I claw at them. They sting at times. Most of the time I give myself grace, but there are times when I am reminded of my flaws. That is such an easy road to go down, isn't it?

But then, THEN I remember who bought me with his life, the price that was paid to remove those scarlet letters. I can't keep sowing them back on. I can breath again knowing that when it is all said and done at the end of each day, he accepts me, he treasures me, he adores me. I was created in his image. I am blessed beyond measure. I was known before I was formed in my mother's womb. A plan for my life was set in motion before I took my first breath. I am free. I am forgiven. I am his. I feel the weight of the world lift from my shoulders knowing he is my God and I am his daughter. A big sigh just escaped me. Oh how glad I am for the reminder.

But, I do not want to be one of those people above. I know I have been at times. I use to be so judgemental of people, and truthfully, despite every effort I give, I am sure I fail at times in this area. I know I do. Yuk. I don't want to lecture. I don't want to give answers to questions that have never been asked. I don't want to pass someone by just because I think they are beyond repair. Because as I have learned in my life, no one is beyond repair. I am walking proof of that truth.

I am covered by his GRACE.

Too Honest?

2010-10-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am way too real with this button I can push and send my thoughts into some great unknown.

but...

I want to.

It is therapy.

Sometimes I wish that someone would look at me and tell me that it is okay that I feel like pulling my hair out and running down the street like a mad woman.

I think that way too much.

It is kind of scary.

Maybe someday I will.

Maybe it would be the best thing I could do.

I will leave my clothes on though. Sometimes I envision myself running down the street stripping my clothes off like a total freak. Ha!

Don't worry. I won't. That would be way too hard to face the neighbors everyday for the next 22 years until the mortgage is paid off.

Maybe I desire freedom.

Maybe that is why I want to run and run until I can't run any longer.

Not from my family.

I adore them.

I have no desire to be alone.

I do desire to figure out how to not run in the same circle everyday. I feel like a hamster.

I don't want to run in a circle.

I want to feel the wind in my face, the rain beating on me while I sob and no one can tell.

Sometimes I just need to be free.

Sometimes I need to cry.

Sometimes I need to scream where no one can hear me.

Is there a place like that?

I could do more things for myself, but usually by the time I have the time, I am exhausted. Completely exhausted.

Why is it that moms feel so tired all the time?

Doesn't it seem like this should be when we never run out of energy?

It is taking a toll on my relationship with my man.

No worries.

We are committed.

but...

We don't feel connected to each other right now.

I need to change this.

I need to remember him and me, what we are together, because when we are together, we are amazing.

Amazing.

I want amazing.

I know this is life.

I know he is my family.

I know this isn't unusual.

I know that it can't always be what I want it to be.

but...

I need to apologize more.

I need to listen more.

I need to shut up more.

Why is that so hard?

Why do we fear the truth?

The truth can hurt.

It can sting.

At times I don't want to look at the truth.

Sometimes I don't want to face that at times I treat him poorly because I can.

Yuk...

I don't want to acknowledge that I can be ugly with him.

but...

The truth sets us free.

If we know the truth, we can change our actions.

If we believe a lie that everything is okay when it is not, we become fools.

I do not desire to be fooled.

I desire real.

An Estimate

2010-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Evan is 2285 days old today, and he is totally amazed by that. Then he and Ian asked me if I was a trillion days old. To which I took out my pen and calculated I am only 15,492 days old. Give me a break! A Trillion!!

WORDS

2010-09-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like an impostor who thinks she is a writer. But in reality, I absolutely love words. They paint a clearer picture of something for me than an actual picture. Words are simple. Words are complex at the exact same moment as simple. That is impressive.

The other day I was asked by someone to help make a project that describes all the things that they love and things they want to accomplish. He said he wanted a picture of Jesus with scripture that spoke to his heart surrounding the picture. In my mind I just saw the word JESUS written out. Much clearer. Much more descriptive. Much more impacting. No room for imagination in the written form. He just is who He is. Simple. Complex.

I have been looking at my walls the last few days. I have lots of pictures of meaningful places and people I love. But, I realized that I have words on my walls. Lots of them.

Home
Family
Faith

These words describe why I live. Why I breath. Without these things, I wouldn't be who I am.

Peace
Patience
Self Control
Gentleness
Kindness
Joy
Goodness
Love
Faithfulness

I want to be described as having these traits.

Purity
Understanding
Truthful Speech
Righteousness
Sincere Love

I ran across these words today. I loved them. I am going to add them to my walls. I need reminders right in front of my face of who I am and what I want to become.

Steve
Tiffani
Coral
Lindsey
Amanda
Ian
Evan
Ryan
Jeremiah

When I see these words, my mind has clarity of who and what they describe. These words bring tears to my eyes because these are full words. Words that describe whole people. Not one place or time as in a picture, but a whole lifetime. Individually they are unique. All together they are my family. They describe my heart.

There is a word that hasn't been given yet. It will describe another piece of my heart. A piece I am not quite sure of yet, but I know that when I think of that place in my heart and think of that unknown word, my heart feels completely vulnerable. I simply and complexly can't wait to meet him. He will have a word for me too. I wonder what it will be. It will describe me. When he says it, he will know exactly what he means, exactly who it describes. His grandma. And you know exactly what I mean by that one simple word.

Fast

2010-07-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Life is fast.

One day you have a newborn baby and the next day she is 22.

One day you are 22 and the next day you are 42. One day you are laughing with your friend over silly things your precious little ones are doing, and the next day you are shaking your head with her trying to figure out how you became grandmas.

How?

One day at a time.

One hard day after another mixed in with one blessed day after another. One day filled with little stresses and little joys.

One day at a time our lives can be stolen. One day at a time our lives can become precious memories.

Sometimes I have allowed my days to be stolen. Too many times. Stolen by stress. Stolen by fear. But I am trying to not let my days be stolen with regret. One day at a time I continue to step forward. Forward on that path that will continue to bring me life.

There have been many days memories have been built that are worth keeping. Simple, not complicated days. Days with the feeling of sun on my head. Days filled with the smell of heaven on my little ones' heads. Days of just living my life. Days filled with simple.

Of course I have the big memories. But mixed in the big memories are the little ones. The ones that cause my eyes to water and my heart to swell to the point of almost hurting. Like when Ian looked at me with fireworks going off around us and told me he wanted to wish upon a star. We were separated from the rest of our family. We were in our own little world. Why does that make me cry? Maybe it is because his little chubby cheeks are fading. Maybe it is because my heart is too small to contain that amazing feeling only a mom can feel in moments like those. It is unexplainable so I won't even try.

If there is one thing that I would ask to have until I leave this world, an old woman with deep wrinkles caused by many ups and downs, surrounded by those I love, it would be my memories.

God, give me those simple moments that will create something worth remembering. And continue to heal my heart of fear. Let the stress fall off me knowing you are my God.

Home

2010-07-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

I love being home. I love letting me kids be kids. The world is spinning so fast around me, and sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I just want to live IN my life, not isolate by any means, but actually enjoy THIS one life I have. The life Steve and I have built together. I love our home. I love what we have created both in the things we can see and touch, but also in the things that we FEEL. I love when Evan laughs so hard at Ian that he can't breath and then bursts forth with the biggest breath while still laughing. I love when my house is clean and organized. It brings comfort to my heart to create a place for us to make our memories, a place where there is warmth when we walk in. I love Sundays when my all my kids show up and my house is full. I love watching them interact with each other, even when they are not as pleased with each other as they could be. I love being a part of THIS particular family in THIS particular place in this huge world. I love that I was designed for such a time as THIS.

I have to create time for the simple things. I have said to myself and to those around me a million times, if this ship sinks, none of the other stuff will matter. I have to keep this intact. I have to keep this healthy. I have to invest in my simple life in this amazing place God has blessed us with. If I don't, things could come crashing down around me and all the other things I do will not matter at all.

It is such a process...life. Trying to find balance. Trying to figure out what it is suppose to look like. And, I would guess that it doesn't become crystal clear until you leave this place to begin eternity. I pray for as much clarity as I can have in an imperfect world. I don't want to miss this. I need wisdom beyond my years.

You Did What With a Maxipad?

2010-07-10T22:45:00.001-07:00

In the event that:

*Your husband is working at night which is not something you are at all use to,

*You have had a headache for more days than you can count,

*It is a zillion degrees outside, and you feel like you have moved back to Phoenix which is causing a lack of patience to say the very least,

*You would rather shove a fork in your eye than take two young boys to the grocery store at 8:00 at night,

and

*You have forgotten to buy Pullups,

I have a little tip for you.

Stayfree overnight maxipads.

Note the maxi...they are super absorbent.

But please don't tell my son.

He will never forgive me.

How Did I End Up the Mother of a Blonde-Haired, Green-Eyed Boy?

2010-07-05T19:41:00.001-07:00

Ian Nathaniel

On the 4th of July 8 years ago, we went to see the fireworks. I was pregnant with my first precious little boy. He was so afraid of the fireworks. I had to put Amanda on my lap to shield him from the sound. He was all balled into my side. Poor baby. He was born the next day, and he is such a joy.

Here are Ian's top 10 favorite things.

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Boy!

Where is the Nearest Hole?

2010-06-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you know you should crawl back in bed for a few minutes, then climb back out and start over? You know? Start the grooming process over?

Today is one of those days that feels like that for me. I just went to the bathroom and realized I had on black undies. What is the big deal? Well, if you saw me today, you probably already know. I have, I mean had on tan capris. And, to make it worse, the sun is shinning.

I would have probably been able to deal with it if I had actually had time to put on my makeup this morning and do my hair. But instead, I rushed out the door. It is one thing to look good and have your black thong showing to the world. It is a whole different thing to already look not put together and then have that top it off. Ug, just point me to the nearest hole so I can crawl in it. Seriously!

My Perfect Finale

2010-06-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

My boy.

God's perfect finale to me having babies was on June 25, 2004.

Evan Daniel

Today he is 6.

I was telling him this morning about his birth & how he didn't breathe when he was born.
I told him that there were lots of doctors around him helping him to start breathing & all of a sudden they all jumped back & yelled, "Wooooo." I told him that he pottied on all the doctors.
He thought that was hysterical.
I think so too.
Happy Birthday, my sweet miracle boy.

I thought it would be fun to interview Evan.
I love how his sweet little brain works.
He melts my heart.

Evan's top 10 of 2010

And in memory of the past 6 years, here are a few of my favorite posts.

Fingernail Polish Does Not Go There

Escape Artist

Little Pink Lines

Don't Forget to Test on Two Year Old Males

So, this is not only happy birthday to Evan. It is also happy-you-survived-the-last-six-years to me. And someone give me my margarita finally!

Thank you, Jesus, that your ways are not always my ways. Thank you for giving us Evan.

It Means Odd

2010-06-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

It is hard to describe to your kids why certain words that are in their grandpa's readers from when he was in grade school are no longer appropriate to say. It is actually very sad.

Coral and I were discussing, NOT GOSSIPING, hopefully at least, about a lady at her job that loves to tell everyone exactly what is on her mind. Some of the things she has said to Coral about her changing pregnant body have been down right off. Coral said, "She is just a little weird."

Ian of course is sitting there absorbing everything we are saying and he says, "Queer. She is a little queer. It means odd."

Sadly, I had to describe that if he says that word now, people might not understand how he is saying it and might think he is using it as a bad word, not just describing a scene in a book written somewhere around 1929.

"You know my sweet little seven year old. You need to be politically correct or someone might be offended even though it says it in the book you are reading with your daddy called Buddy on the Floating Island. You know, the book your grandpa gave you."

It is more innocent than any book series we have ever read to them, and I still have to explain something ridiculous to him. RRRRRRRR!

Fun books though if you can find them. The BUDDY series, written by Howard R. Garis, consisted of 21 volumes published by Cupples & Leon between 1929 and 1947. We have most of them I think. Thank you, once again, Grandpa George. You have given us plenty of summer reading, and the boys LOVE their Buddy books.

Rolly Pollies

2010-06-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong. My girls collected bugs, worms, etc. When I was young, I remember cutting worms in half on the concrete slab my dad had laid only to wake up the next morning and find double the worms. I wonder if they really do grow their parts back. That is why I was doing it, you know, to make more worms....I don't know why. I was 7.

I am being transformed from a mom of girls to a mom of boys. Even though my life as a mom of girls had some bugs involved in it, most of my experiences were with tea sets, dress up clothes, and twirling.

But, my life as a mom with boys....well, there are lots of creepy crawly things everyday.

Example #1 (Both involving my precious Evan...of course!)

"Evan, come in the house so we can leave, and bring your bowl of macaroni and cheese back in with you when you come, please."

And here he came. But, as he was walking in, I noticed things were slipping from his tight little fist right into his mac and cheese, and he was trying to fish them out with his same little fist. Potato bugs! Lots and lots of potato bugs. Again, I can handle bugs. I am not thrilled about them, but when I am shown different multi-legged creatures everyday, I have had to learn to buck up and look at them while speaking with great admiration in my voice. But his mac and cheese was being infested with rolly pollie potato bugs. Yuk.

Example #2: "Night Glower" This is what he calls them, very confidently, I might add.

A few hours later he came tearing in the house with his friend trying to find a shovel. Why?

The victim: A caterpillar.

"I jumped on the tramp once, and I accidentally jumped on a pointy thing. Then his body got stabbed by those pointy things that come off the tree. He started bleeding white blood, then he started bleeding red blood, and then his guts came out. He is still a little bit alive. I need to bury him."

Steve and I were rolling by the end of this description. Yes, please put the poor thing out of its misery, but use one of your plastic shovels. I really don't want "that" on my gardening shovel.

Eleven Today

2010-06-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

My man

What a thing to think about.

To be the sole woman in his life.

To know I am safe.

To know I am cherished.

To know I am more than enough.

To be the one that he thinks about while he is away.

To be the one he loves in a way he loves no one else in this world....for real. He isn't just saying it. He is walking it out daily.

To be the one who is unique to him.

To be the one who gets to walk the hard stuff out with him.

To be the one who is allowed into those vulnerable places of fear and maybe even doubt.

To be the one he calls home.

To be the one that has somehow, despite my flesh, allowed God to use me to give him the reassurance in his heart that I will never give up on him.

To be the one who believes in him.

To be the one who gets to walk with him as we change the legacy for our children.

To be the one who laughs with him over really stupid things.

To be the one who gets to cry with him.

To be the one who catches his eye and knows, just simply knows, that he really sees me.

To be the one who rests in his arms every night, falling asleep in the safest place I know.

To be the one that he wants to take care of, along with our children.

To be the one he desires.

To be the one that he stuck it out for, despite all odds.

To be the one who has walked a path of sorrow with him that is now turning into a path of joy.

Happy anniversary, Steve. My life is better because of you. Thank you for truly loving me.

Time

2010-05-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a good cry. The kind that feels really good. The kind that is triggered by something small because your body just needs to cleanse.

I cried and cried remembering when they were little.

They were in their little dresses I had made them, and they were sliding down the slide at the park. Then they ran over to me. I was waiting on the blanket to read them their library books. They were giggling.

It was like a movie in my head.

The scenes kept coming...

Teenagers

Boyfriends

Fiancés

Marriage

A baby growing in one of their tummies

Where did the time go?

It went way too fast.

I love this stage of my life, but I miss my little girls. I love the relationship I have with each one of them, but I miss their huge smiles as they run toward me knowing I will be there to catch them when they leap into my arms

I love living in the present. I look forward to a future filled with 14 kids and who knows how many grandchildren, but the opportunity to raise my girls was a beautiful one and sometimes I wish for a day I could gather them all in my arms again and just hold them, knowing that for a moment I could keep them safe.

I am so blessed. I am not sure what went right in my life that my girls trust me and actually like me. Sometimes I think that being a single mom when they were little drove us into a deepness in our relationship that can never be broken.

There have been days when I have done the wrong thing, and I am sure they have talked to each other about "mom." That is okay. I am perfectly fine with the fact that I am not perfect. I will fail my children, despite the fact that I desperately don't ever want to hurt them. Hopefully, I am the kind of person that can hear my kids when I have wronged them. I desperately want to. To not be defensive but to be loving and kindhearted, knowing that I am capable of hurting those I love. I want to be humble.

We get one chance to go around this life, and I am so thankful that I get to do it with my girls. I love getting a phone call or text from them. I love being needed. I love being wanted. I love watching them mature and grow and develop their own sense of who they are.

I just simply adore them.

Now I need to go play “kiss the boy.” It is Ian’s and my newest game. I think I will play it with Evan also.

My Body Made Me Do It

2010-05-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

With a look of distress:

"I didn't want to do it, but my body MADE me do it."

This was Evan's response to why he came downstairs while he was suppose to be on his bed. I almost bought it because he was looking at me with those precious green eyes again. Those things get me every time!

Once Again...I must remind myself

2010-05-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...too many times in life, we are looking for the next big thing, and we fail to recognize that it is the everyday stuff that memories are made of.

Why must we struggle?

Why must we worry?

Why can't we rest?

Lord, help us rest, knowing you have it under control.

Help us rest knowing you have a plan.

Help us rest knowing nothing is impossible for you.

Help us live today, knowing that we can never live this day again.

Freedom

2010-04-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

It is an amazing thing to watch a heart go from cold and hard to soft and pliable. I have always thought that the biggest miracle we could possibly see is the healing of a human heart. It seems impossible almost, like once a heart is broken, it is very difficult to mend it back to normal. But I serve a God who not only brings our hearts back to a place of normalcy but actually makes them brand new. Brand New!

I have suffered from severe bitterness in my life. Severe. Like the kind where you wished someone would cease to exist. Ouch. That is ugly...but it is true, and I have learned that you can't truly heal until you look at where you are right now. So, I have been looking. I have been on this journey for years, and little by little my heart gets closer to wholeness...maybe actually for the very first time.

People ask me how to let go of bitterness. First of all, how amazing is that?! They ask me? The bitterness queen...Oh, that is right, I am now the bitterness queen who is being healed, who has somehow learned how to trust rather than guard myself in some facade of security that really only causes me to be lonely and angry...and sad.

I don't have an easy answer. It is a process. It is not fast for most of us. It is a dying to self and self protection. It is learning that you can trust YOURSELF again. Sometimes I think we use bitterness to excuse ourselves from making the decisions to love and trust. It is easier that way. We don't have to think. We don't have to be vulnerable. We can just stay angry, and we even think we can justify it.

But I think the biggest thing is dying to the need for control. We can put up huge walls made of thick stone, walls that not even a blast of dynamite can break through. But really, are our hearts really protected there or are they festering into a bloody infected mess? No oxygen. No life. Just stale air that leads to more infection and pain. Life can't survive there, let alone the ability to love and be loved.

We have to be willing to not be in control. I am not talking about letting yourself get hurt by someone who can't be trusted, but the thing about bitterness is that most of the time the person we are bitter toward isn't really affected, but those we really love are. Let me say it again. Those we really love are...That is a sad reality.

In the past year, I have gone from despising certain people, to just not being affected by them. I have learned that when I allow myself to be healed of bitterness towards someone, the feelings that replace the bitterness aren't always something I would have expected. For instance, in one particular circumstance, I just don't feel anything really. There is simply a feeling that they are acquaintances, neither good nor bad. It is kind of like what you might feel toward your grocery store checker or the bank teller. It is very interesting indeed. My feelings towards them no longer steal my time or my heart. There is no hatred or longing for some sort of retaliation. I am no longer ill-willed toward the person. I might even venture to say that I want the best for them. I am free. That is crazy amazing.

But, of course there are people who we dearly love that we have bitterness towards. People who we can't separate from ourselves most days, nor do we want to. That I have found is even tougher. My question is, why oh why do we think bitterness is going to protect us? It deceives us into thinking we are safe, but that is a lie. We are isolated and hurt by it. To be able to release that and allow our God to heal us is the true miracle, to not be afraid of our feelings from the past, but to be able to look at them and forgive.

The saddest bitterness I have experienced is holding onto it with the full knowledge that the person I am holding it against is not the same person that hurt me any longer. They have done everything they can to change the circumstances. They have asked for forgiveness. They have put up with my crap to try and show that they are sorry, and yet I still have tortured them with my lack of forgiveness. That is my issue not theirs, and it is just as damaging in our relationships as the original offense or offenses were.

It is time to mature. It is time to break down the walls. It is time to stop believing the lie that bitterness protects us. It is time to stand up and be healed. It is time to be FREE.

Nothing leaves me more speechless than that.

Almost to the Next Space

2010-04-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

I just love telling my kids how much I love them. I always ask Evan if he knows how much I love him, and he usually sighs and tells me that I tell him all the time.

Last night, here is our conversation.

"Evan, do you know how much I love you."

"Um hm, the highest number that almost goes into the next space."

Yep, I love him that much. :-)

Wow!

2010-04-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

We are making and then planting a garden at Ryan and Coral's house. We, as in Steve, had to remove a section of the fence to get the truck in the backyard. Evan was doing his 5-year-old thing, standing under his daddy's feet when all of a sudden an 8-foot section of fence rose above his cute little head. It was almost slow motion as I watched it. Evan looked up, up, up and realized that it was HIS daddy that was lifting the fence. With his huge green eyes shinning, a big WOW! came out of his mouth.

Nothing quite like impressing your precious little one... and your wife for that matter. My goodness!

This is a good one to remember so that when his little boy looks at him like that someday, I can tell him this story.

Once again, my heart is melted.

Dear Lady...

2010-04-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Lady in the Check Out Line,

There are very few things that make me want to freak completely out on someone. You can roll your eyes at me when I use my stack of coupons, you can tap your foot impatiently when I can't find my debit card, and when you do that, I will usually smile at you and thank you for being so patient. I will tell you that I know it is difficult being behind someone like me in the line, and how much I appreciate your kindness. I am a very polite person who does everything in my power to not be a pain in the backside to the people in line behind me. I actually will even let them go before me if I think it would help them.

BUT, there is one thing you should never do. Do not ever act like you could parent my child better than me. I do a darn good job of that on my own, and I don't need your help. I really don't. Do not point out what he is doing as if I am blind. I am not blind, but thanks for checking! At this stage of the game because I hate that so very, very much, I will probably let him get away with whatever he is doing just to bug you. Really I will, especially if it is the first day of my period. So parent your daughter who is standing there quietly watching you jump whenever my son moves a muscle. Leave me and my child alone. I will not justify his actions to you. If you are lucky, I will ignore you, and pray that I remember what is important in life. I will remember that I use to let people like you get under my skin, and truth be known, I may have even judged others like you judged me. Then I will pray that God miraculously blesses you with two little boys to put your life in perspective. It is not that big of a deal when a five-year-old boy touches the divider between our stuff. I can tell him, “Please don't touch that, Sweety," without you jumping around acting like he just kicked you in the shin or something. My goodness, I would hate to see what you would do if a child WAS actually doing something wrong. Seriously! WHAT THE HECK !!!!!!!

Lay off the Starbucks! You are making me nervous!

Sincerely,
Shellie

Someone please find me the Midol. NOW!

Dear Spam Monster,

2010-04-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

My you were busy last night while I slept. Every single post. Wow. I want to thank you for giving me the time to go back and reflect on each post I have written over the years. I don't take enough time to do that. So, even though you have ticked me off, you have not stolen my time. I am blessed to read about my life. So many wonderful memories. Thanks for giving me the time to read them.

But because of you, I have to monitor the comments from my dear readers who would never spam me. That stinks, but oh well. I guess the time was bound to come.

Have a good day,
Shellie

STOP

2010-04-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

Someone spammed every single post on here, so don't click on it. I haven't opened the comment but it is to a webpage that could be who knows what, so please don't click on it. I am trying to delete them all, but UGGGGG, I will have to go into every post to do that I think, unless someone knows how to do it otherwise. I am trying to find that answer.

So, because of that, I am going to have to approve comments before I post them. What a drag for all of us.

VERY FRUSTRATED!

Ahhh...Brothers

2010-04-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ian is reading to Evan. Evan has a little smile on his face. Ian is reading Arthur, one of their favorite shows "in the whole world." They are adorable. I could just kiss them to death. I love when they are content and treating each other with love. I am so thankful they have each other.

Hot Fire vs. Cold fire.

2010-03-05T18:10:00.001-08:00

Evan said, "I still need the hot fire. I needed the cold fire and then I needed the hot fire."

Evan has been pretty sick over the past week. Nasty cold. Now Ian has it. Last night when we were putting the boys to bed and we were figuring out where Ian was going to sleep, Evan made sure we knew he still needed the hot fire, and Ian would be fine with the cold fire.

I have been smothering Evan in Vicks. He just kind of laughs when it feels really cold on his chest and back. It reminded me of the first cold experience Steve had with my girls and me. Coral was talking about it Sunday night. I would Vicks them up and then zip them into their footy jamies. She still describes it as pure torcher. Steve remembers all four of them screaming as if I was trying to kill them and running around the house trying to get away from me, screaming at the top of their lungs. He still shakes his head over it and it was 10 years ago. I still shake my head at it because I can't believe he stuck around. Actually, I can because he is a good man, but that is another story. Evan doesn't scream but actually kind of likes it. Funny boy.

One of my other favorite remedies is a humidifier. I only had a cold-water humidifier because back in my girls' childhood days the hot ones grew bacteria, and with Amanda's asthmas, it wasn't worth the risk. But, I decided since hot-water humidifiers were still being made and hadn't been pulled for damaging young children, I would buy a hot-water humidifier. I wanted to put the liquid Vicks in it. Yes, I like Vicks. My poor kids.

Here is the translation:

Hot fire: The humidifier with hot steam.
Cold fire: The humidifier with cold steam.

One of those things that makes me shake my head

2010-02-12T10:02:00.001-08:00

Steve was reading David Livingstone to the boys last night and I was holding Evan. David's wife died and it mentioned that he had to bury her. Evan looks at me with his big green eyes and says, "I know someday I am going to have to bury you."

"You are going to have to bury me?"

"Ya, Ian and me."

So cut and dry. Where does his little mind come up with this stuff?

Something New

2010-02-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

Giggle, giggle.

Hard laughing.

Me trying to act stern.

Me laughing and lunging to keep them from killing themselves.

Me thinking I am blessed to have moments like this.

See the valentines from Mimi on top of the fridge.

They had a plan.

I couldn't interfere.

They were just too cute.

A New Year's Resolution I can Handle

2010-01-21T22:28:00.000-08:00

I had to fill in a blank on a form that said my New Year's Resolution to get a coupon for a free Kettle Chip. Well, we all know what I will do to get a coupon. Yes, I am a little out of control on that issue. Since I am not one to make NYR, I mean who needs a smaller backside for goodness sake...it is way overrated, anyway, since I am not one to make those mostly because I hate to fail, I had to think quickly. Reading more...that is a very good resolution. I LOVE to read. It is probably my favorite thing to do besides write, which I haven't seemed to do much of lately. So, it is January 21, my Lindsey's 17 birthday, and as of today I have read 4 books since January 1, 2010. I am excited. I am really excited. Now if I could just get myself on the bike while I am reading that would be amazing. Oh how I wish I had the motivation and willpower to do that. I can't imagine why it is so hard to just do it. Today though, it seems reasonable. My head is full of snot. I can see the sides of my nose swelling into my cheeks my sinuses are so stuffed. I know you find this kind of thing interesting, but seriously! I am dizzy from the pressure. Ug.....so I read. What is next? The Time Traveler's Wife I think....

Proprospatee

2010-01-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

Ian spell I'm.

I...propraspatee...m

Ahhhhh!!!!

K, spell I've.

I...propraspatee...ve

Oh for heaven's sake. Melt my heart! You are way too cute for words.

Once again, I am way too impressed...

2009-12-29T16:16:00.001-08:00

At Target yesterday I bought 6 pacs of batteries and 2 Method hand soaps for....wait for it.....you aren't going to believe it....$0.16. Yep, that is right. Sixteen cents. K, I just had to write that down. I love it.

Oh ya, I also got 10 boxes of Nabisco crackers and a container of mini muffins for -6.00. They paid me $6.00.

It was a good shopping day, although it feels like a full time job finding these deals. But it is worth it for sure. The only sad thing is that my family is no longer impressed. That stinks. Oh well. I am impressed. :-)

It finally found me.

2009-11-11T17:24:00.000-08:00

My heart races with excitement when I see someone has left a nice comment on my blog. It makes me feel loved. I was just checking my email, and to my surprise I had a new comment. Yea!

It was spam for V?agra ...kinds I didn't even know existed. Scary kind of actually. I am bummed. If it happens again, I will have to make all of you nice people type in a code before you can leave a comment...but you still will, right? Because you know it makes me feel loved. :-)

Who's to Blame?

2009-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

What you do when you are going to the bathroom and you are 7. And to make sure that you don't get blamed for it, you sign your brother's name. Works every time.

So, I'll brag a Little...

2009-09-28T07:29:00.001-07:00

Ian and Evan at the Skate park

Anything that has wheels in our home goes with us to the skate park. I hold my breath and pray...and I pad. You may not see all the padding, but it is there. I wish I could figure out how to pad all their little bones.

Ian:

Ian is Ian. He is so much like his daddy. Most of the time he is right where he says he is going to be, doing exactly what he said he was going to do. He is also very bright. He thinks like his daddy also. You can see the wheels spinning all the time. I am always amazed at how much he remembers.

A couple of weeks ago, we did his beginning-of-the-year testing so we would have a benchmark for his learning this year.

Here are his scores:

Language Arts: 95%

Math: 99%

In one area of math he tested off the charts.

I have always been amazed at how much a child can learn when they have one-on-one attention or even four-on-one attention. I am so blessed to be able to teach him right now.

I am proud of my little cutie and just wanted to brag...just a little.

Today

2009-09-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am in a funk.

I feel blaw.

I hate bad news. It steals my joy.

Rude, clueless people bug me. If I am like that, be my friend and tell me.

My ear hurts all the time.

I am afraid of the swine flu.

It hurts my feelings when people complain about what I cook for dinner.

Evan got stung on his head. Steve bought Benadryl. He didn't need it, thankfully.

I bought 150 canning jars. I am not sure if I feel excited or pressured by them.

I love the sun but it isn't helping. I hope it sticks around for me to get my act together.

I think I am anemic. I need a steak or something.

I am reading a very good book. This is my third time.

I need to clean my house.

I hate television and wish it would go away. It steals my family from me.

I really want Ian's curriculum to come so I don't have to think so much.

Evan likes my dark chocolate.

I felt paranoid in the makeup section at Freddies because I took my old lip gloss out of my purse to see what color it was and was afraid someone would think I was shoplifting if I put it back in my purse.

Amanda picked it up and threw it back in my purse. She is healthier than me today.

I am going to watch the second Lord of the Rings with Amanda and Steve....so I can be with them.

I love rice.

I do not like rice cooked in a crock pot.

I can't wait to give my little munchkin a bath and smell his clean little head.

Evan just got his first little-boy birthday invitation that is just for him and is right in my face telling me.

I can smell my chocolate on his breath.

I like that I know how to punctuate compound modifiers.

I don't like when I hear medical terms that I know when they apply to my family members.

I really love ice tea but I wonder if it adds to my feeling uptight.

My stress level is lowering a tad.

Thanks for listening...

2009-09-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

Don't run the risk of forgetting today because you are focused on the big events in your life. Today is worth remembering.

I stink...

2009-09-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

at Craig's List. I put stuff on Craig's List and then I cave in when they try to get something different out of me than what I posted it for. The truth is, I would give away my right arm if someone needed it. I just like to give, and how can you not give when you have been blessed by so many people in your life, even strangers?

So, I posted really cute preteen stuff from Amanda's room to try and make some money to buy some teen stuff for her room. I ended up with two warn-out boy shirts and another DVD...great, not a fair trade, but she truly looked like she would be blessed and her girls would be blessed by the stuff.

Let it go, Shellie. Truthfully, I wish I would have just given her the stuff. Why is that? Am I stubborn, am I the "fair" queen when it comes to this stuff. This is taking up my valuable brain cells, so I am going to wash one of the shirts, put the other in the goodwill box, and let Evan watch Ice Age, The Meltdown. Then I am going to do laundry with my dryer that my fabulous husband fixed for me, and I am going to try to figure out if posting to CL is worth the time and effort. One of my friends has fabulous results with CL. I think I will give her a call also.

Onward...

Mom, What's This?

2009-09-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

It is a scary thing when your little boy walks up to you with a squished look on his face and says, "Mom, what's this." You look and he has something with wings, shriveled, and unidentifiable. Fortunately it is as small as a penny so you don't have to worry about rabies, but why would you pick something up that makes your face squished up? Why, Why, Why? That is the question.

Reminds me of my friends daughter who was doing a scavenger hunt and was suppose to find three feathers. She came back with a dead bird, and she was very proud of herself for finding her treasure. Ug. :-) Kids...Where's the hand sanitizer?

Home Sweet Home

2009-09-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Another soccer story, another Evan story. They seem to go well together these days.

Daddy takes the boys to soccer most of the time...I love that.

This was the conversation in the car after soccer practice tonight between daddy and Evan. They were driving to pick up Amanda at her soccer practice.

"OK, let's go get Mandie."

"I don't want to. I want to go home."

"What are we going to do? Just leave her there?"

"Yes, I want to go home."

"But we'll never see her again."

"OK, we'll get her tomorrow."

You put your right foot in, I mean left foot...

2009-09-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

By far the cutest thing I have seen in a long time is five-year-old boys learning how to play soccer. Yesterday Evan dribbled the ball down the field through cones and kicked the ball right into the goal with very little trouble, using his right foot.

Then the coach decided it is never too young to learn to kick with your left foot. Evan dribbled the ball down the field just fine and then he stopped. He looked at his coach and pointed at his left foot. "This leg?" "Yep!" Then came an amazing thing, watching a little boy figure out how to use a part of his brain that he really had never used. I wish I could act it out for you or show you a video but of course I didn't get it. He had the parents laughing. He had the coach laughing. He had Amanda and I by the heartstrings. He turned and twisted his body trying to figure out how to kick the ball with the inside of his left foot. Way too interesting and cute. Go try it on your own kid. It might be an entertaining moment.

Then he became a pro. All it took was once, but very seldom do you actually get to see a part of some one's brain firing for the first time. Pretty cool indeed.

Ready, set, go! Soccer Season Begins

2009-08-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

"Lightning Bolts"

Staring Evan

Evan standing by his coach.

Evan's first-ever soccer practice. He is in the goal. Little cutie. He cried and wouldn't get out of his daddy's arms for about 5 minutes. He has never been afraid of anything in his life, but Ian went out on the field with him and he said he would go since Ian was going. Then he had a blast.

My View on Religion

2009-08-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Life is full of many questions, and even answers, that I don't understand. The only thing that I understand, at least part of the time, is that God is in control even when I don't get it. I have seen this way too many times in my life to doubt it. Someone could threaten my life over my belief, but I can not budge, and I will not budge. It is too real to me. God has met me face to face way too many times for me to deny him.

Someone asked me once what I believe, what religion I am. My answer is this, I don't believe in religion. Religion is bondage to me, rules and regulations that only lead to failure and self-hatred. I believe in the freedom that only comes through Jesus, freedom from mistakes, sin, failures, and even freedom from sin that was committed against me. I believe Jesus came to this earth to walk in my steps so that I would never have to doubt if he understood me and my challenges, joys, and simply my everyday life.

I believe he came to take my place when in fact; I am the one who deserves to pay the price for the choices I have made in my life. He is perfect, I am imperfect, yet he was the one who hung on a cross so that the sins I have committed, as well as the sins that have been committed against me, could be forgiven and thrown away from me as far as the east is from the west. There had to be a price that was paid for my garbage. It is too ugly, makes me to ugly, to stand before God, so there had to be a price. I am so grateful that Jesus chose to do that for me.

He didn't have to. He is God. He could have sat there on his thrown and felt pity for me, but that is not the God I have sold out to. I have sold out to a God who is merciful and kind, who offers grace to me. I know the ugly stuff that I have thought in my heart. I may seem like a "good" person, but I know that I have broken everything that God has asked of me, and yet he didn't think I was unworthy of forgiveness. He didn't turn and look away from me. What an amazing thing to not be forgotten. He blew the stars off his hand. He designed a universe that is beyond my comprehension, yet he looked at me and decided I was worth paying a huge price for.

How in the world could I not praise him when he did that for me? That would be crazy! Simply put, I love him because he first loved me. I am a Christ follower because he thought I was worth giving his life for.

I was also asked why we take communion. We take communion to remember what he did for us. He offered his body and spilled out his blood so we wouldn't be separated from him, not only for eternity but even in our day-to-day lives. I get to walk with him today, sing with him today, and talk with him today, because he did that for me. The greatest threat I think I face in life is self-doubt, self-hatred. I hate failing. Unfortunately at times, I allow it to speak of my worth, so when I take communion it reminds me that I have worth. It reminds me that he thought I was worth dying for. That is intense to me. He is my friend, so I take communion to remember, because I don't ever want to forget what he did for me.

My Wedding Curse

2009-07-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

The biggest challenge I have faced through this whole wedding thing is my dress. It seems to be my curse. I dreaded it worse than anything that I had to do. So, I finally did it, and it has continued to be a problem since then. Ug! I found a beautiful dress. I placed the order. They forgot to order it. I placed the order again. They lost my phone number. I called them, set an appointment, and went in to try on the dress. It was so pretty, but it would have fit Steve lengthwise. Length, not width. Just wanted to make sure you understood that. Anyway, the alteration lady came in and had no time for me and said it couldn't be done. So, I left frustrated to say the least. They called me back because they went to the big-dog alteration lady, and she said she could do it. They altered it. I brought it home and hung it in my closet until two nights ago when I took it to my friends to borrow some jewelry to match it. I took it out of the bag and the beading is coming loose. I am going to take it back and get my money. Then I am going to have to start over, which I can't believe. How can this happen. I need a miracle. Seriously. I feel frozen over it. I wish I had one of those friends that would come over to my house and pull my panicked rear end off the chair and drag me out the door. But life isn't a movie, and so I will proceed. I hope.

Cheap Therapy

2009-07-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Ah, today it is around 90 degrees, and I am lovin' it even though we have no air conditioner in our car or in our house. It is hot, but it is summer and summer brings out the happy hormones in me. Today I am doing laundry, and it is so therapeutic. This is why...

You have to admit. This is a darn cute site. I have been hanging my laundry on the "line," which consists of some string hanging around my backyard. My dryer makes this piercing sound that makes me feel like knives are being methodically drilled into my brain, so I use it as little as possible. Steve tried to fix it, but he needs to try again. I'm just saying.

Anyway, while I was hanging my sons' cute little undies on the line (actually Amanda's are out there too, but it is my goal to continue to live, so I won't post those), I was picking peas from my pea plants, located under the socks. The peas are right next to the raspberries we have been competing for over the past month. And, if you look very closely you will see pumpkins and gourds. Last fall we smashed them out there to see if they would grow. Impressed yet. Well, I am. It is my little accomplishment in my chaotic life of wedding planning.

Grandpa George May Be Right

2009-06-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight when Ian got out of the shower he was telling me that it took him 2 seconds to dry off and how amazed he was that his hair was already dry. I started saying how great it must be to be a guy and not have to straighten and dry your hair. He interrupted me and said, "Mom, can you put a temperature thing on the shower because I found the perfect temperature for me but probably not for you."

Oh my, this does remind me of someone I know. How about you, Arlene? Do we have another engineer in the family? Maybe Grandpa George should get him a pocket-pack thingy for his birthday. :-)

Soaked

2009-05-23T16:32:00.001-07:00

Ian: "Mom, can you get me my swimsuit. I am soaked from hands to knees. :-)"

To Those Who Made Me A Mommy

2009-05-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day 2009

Tiffani, Coral, Lindsey, Amanda, Ian, and Evan...

I love the first time I see you, all wrinkly with your little squished face, crying then pausing when you see me to only start crying again, but that first glimpse of me shows recognition for a split second before you start screaming again because you are cold and mad that you have left the comfort of me.

I love the first time I see your hair, all matted to your little head. I love the way you smell, new, familiar. I wish I could have captured that smell so I would never forget it. I have tears that I can't quite remember it.

I love the first time you realize that we aren't quite as separated as you might have thought. You still need me to live. You squint into the light and see me. The perfect distance for your little eyes to focus. There is no mistake in that. It is divinely planned.

I love that I am not tired for the first time in forever. That I couldn't close my eyes if I wanted to. All I can do is stare at you. Everyone else sleeps from watching me labor, but I am no longer tired. I am energized by looking at your perfectly formed body and wondering who you are, what you will become. You are the picture of perfection, of what it was designed to be. Perfect innocence. Perfect trust. Perfect freedom to just simply rest in the safest place you know now. My arms.

I love that I have to sleep with the light on because we just can't seem to figure each other out in the dark, at least not yet. But we will. We will become pros. No one is better at this than you and I. We are the perfect example of the way this is suppose to work. We are good at what we do once we get the hang of it.

I love that little smile that you do while you are eating. You don't let go. But there is an undeniable smile as you recognize me. I am your mommy. There is no doubt in that. You know me.

I love when I place you on my shoulder to pat your little bottom and you lift your little head, taking every ounce of strength you have, only to bop your little nose on my shoulder. Ouch.

I love how you swing your legs to the side, trying to get your fat little belly onto the floor instead of sticking up in the air where I can kiss it, because you want to know the world more. I love how you finally figure it out. I love that you then scoot across the floor, and if that isn't quick enough for you, you roll faster than imagined. Then you discover your knees. And my do you become quick.

Then you stand and walk around the furniture and sometimes you fall like a tree, straight back. No bend in the legs. I don't love that. But I love remembering every little thing about you.

Then one day, you decide that whatever is in your hand is more important than your safety, so you let go and stand. That is until I freak out and startle you, sending you back to the floor where you are nice and safe.

I love the first time you realize you are doing something you shouldn't. When I walk into the room you turn and start crawling away as fast as you can, usually for me to chase you down and find some random thing stuffed in your chubby little cheek. Where you find this stuff, I will never know. It is a mystery.

Then you grow, and grow, and grow. Everyday filled with giggles, joy, tears, trust, and simply knowing you are safe in this world because you have me, and I love you. You know this. For this I am so thankful.

I love reading to you, especially when you have been freshly bathed and put in footy jamies. The smell of your head is heaven. One of the things that makes my heart warm. Then you snuggle your chubby little self right into the crook of my arm and you listen to every word I say, that is, until you have a question about why this or that is happening. You have many questions.

I love that when you discover your voice, there is only one volume that you speak at. VERY LOUD! Everyone knows you are there.

I love how you say things that I am glad no one understands but me. It makes me laugh, but because they don't understand, they don't get their feelings hurt. Of course there are the times they do understand, and I want to crawl right in a hole and never come out. I would take you with me of course, and then I would try not to laugh and cry while I explain to you why you can't tell someone they have a fat tummy or that their red hair looks like a clown. I love that you are observant, even if you are observing things that need to be kept a secret.

I love that even though you have been busy all day and haven't had the time for me and my kisses and hugs, at the end of the day you realize you still need my kisses and hugs, so you wrap yourself in my cozy blanket and snuggle in my arms calling me mama, even though you are six and bigger than life.

I love hearing my name one million times in a day, even though I want to pull my hair out. I am honored to have this name.

I love when you start spreading your wings even though it scares me. I love that you are becoming who God has designed you to be, even though sometimes you aren't exactly doing what God, or me for that matter, wants you to do. But I love that you are growing, that you are learning to stand on your own two feet. But I also love that you still remember me, that you call me, or text me when you need advice. I love that you look for me on the sidelines, and when you see me you give a little wave or smile to make sure I see you. I hope I always do.

I will never forget that you are my child. I will never forget how you have captured my heart and there is no way that I could pry it loose from your precious, wonderful self. I will never forget how your growth has been my growth, that every step you have taken, I have taken. And even though you grow and may not need me as much to survive, I want you to know that I am who I am because of who you are. The knowledge I have gained, the tears that have ran down my cheeks that came from almost bursting with pride, the joy, the peace, the memories I have today and the memories yet to come are all because of you, and I wouldn't trade it for fancy things, quite times, or a clean house.

You are my life. You made me a mommy.

The Salesman

2009-05-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

Mom, how can Amanda and I earn $7.

I'm not sure. Why do you need $7.

Because we want to buy another spy kit.

You guys have tons of spy stuff.

I know, but this one has a dart gun, a light, a sound detector, and a comfortable ear piece.

A comfortable ear piece, huh. Maybe you should be a salesman when you grow up, Ian.

Later today....

Evan it is time for you to learn a rule. If you leave money in your pockets, mom will get it when she does the laundry.

No, it is my money.

No, its mom's money if you leave it in your clothes.

(He is right. If it is in the wash, it is mine....I have to make a living somehow.)

Beach Trip

2009-03-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Beach Spring 2009

Tips for the day

2009-03-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

If you are 4 or 6, male, and you want to show your brother that you love him, you simply walk by him and smack him as hard as you can in the face. It really won't make your brother cringe or cry too much at all, at least most of the time. Most of the time he will simply understand that it is an act of endearment.

If you are 6, a male, and you want to show your mother, not your mom, that you love her, you simply should fly across the room at top speed, grunt your football-sounding grunt, and nail her wherever you might land. Don't worry about the fact that sometimes she may not know you are coming and there is a risk of spinal cord damage. She will understand. Trust me. To her it would be worth the risk to feel the amount of love she feels when you do this. After all you are her boy.

How many loves?

2009-02-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

Little plugged-nose Evan this morning:

"I love Bandit 6 loves, and I love Oreo 4 loves."

I love you 100 million, trillion, zillion loves, Evan.

Naughty in Spanish

2009-02-19T22:46:00.000-08:00

Evan:
Is Curious George being naughty.

Me:
No, I don't think he is trying to be naughty. He is just curious.

Evan:
Is curious Spanish for naughty?

Oh my goodness. You are the cutest little boy ever!

A Pleasant Sound

2009-01-10T21:12:00.000-08:00

The sound of Steve and Amanda playing the Wii and laughing together in the other room.

Be Quiet Already

2009-01-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

There is a way to get the woman you love to shut up quickly when she is chewing you out.

Give her a giant, smooshy, manipulative kiss. It will stun her and make her heart melt. She will try to sound firm when she continues her speech, but you will have won her heart.

Today Evan picked up his kitty and threw him across the room. It must have been a testosterone moment. I really don't know what made him do it. I firmly began to give him a lecture on not being mean to his kitty, why it was wrong, how the kitty must feel, and on and on. About 20 seconds into it (I can say tons in 20 seconds) he looks at me with a dazed, lost, man look and plants one on me. A giant, smooshy, adorable kiss.

It melted my heart.

Invisible Things

2009-01-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

"Mom, is air the only thing that is invisible?"

"I think so, Ian." This was a few days after Christmas. I was in a daze.

"No, sound waves and things that go up your nose...molecules. Those are invisible."

"Yes, Evan. That is true. You are a smart boy."

!!!!!! I have a genius four-year-old boy....or maybe he just watches too much Sid the Science Kid.

tears

2008-12-24T21:41:00.001-08:00

why do we struggle to not let people see us cry

why do we wipe our tears before they have a chance to make their cleansing journey down our cheeks

shame

fear of being known

fear of being weak

tonight I cried

i let my tears fall all the way down my face

my tears gave me the strength to face the things that break my heart

i am stronger

What you get for around $100 a month...

2008-12-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

Sight in the dark.
Heat.
Use of the computer.
Use of my hair dryer.
Use of my straightener.
The sound of a fan while I am sleeping.
The sound of my husband's C-pap while I am sleeping.
Cartoons.
Cold milk.
Clean, dry clothes.
Hot food.
A vacuum that does more than decorate the laundry room.
A porch light.
Security.
Did I say my computer, oops, I got my priorities messed up for a second there.
Children who can get up before me.
No worry concerning how many days I am going to have to go without these things.

Ah, the value of electricity.

Things that cross my mind...

2008-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

There are things in life that perplex me and there are things that I am simply curious about.

Here are today's random thoughts running through my head.

Something I am curious about...
Why do my sandwiches taste better when they are cut on a diagonal?

Something that perplexes me...
What makes Boy George songs run through my head at random times?
Crazy...

Karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon
You come and go, you came and go...

Somebody save me from the '80s

My Curse

2008-11-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

My curse in life...urine. Will it ever end?

Weekly Questions

2008-10-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

Every week Ian's teacher asks the students a question, and they email him their answer, and then he responds back to them. Here is this weeks question, answer, and reply.

We all need help from time to time. What do you do to help others out?

Dear Mr. D,
I help my mom clean up our playroom, the downstairs, and the backyard. I play with my brother when my mom does her school. I help take care of my kitten by feeding it, playing with it, and putting it to bed. I also help with my brother's kitten by making him not swing it by its arms. He is four and doesn't always know what to do. His name is Evan.
From Ian

Ian:
You sound like a handy guy to have around. I'm sure your mom, Evan, and the kitten all appreciate your help. ;-)
Have a great weekend.
Mr. D

_____________
What is your favorite outside sport.

Dear Mr. D,
My favorite outside sport is baseball because it is fun. It is fun because it has sliding and running.
Ian

Ian:
I agree. Sliding and running are fun. I think I'll head outside and do some right now.
Thanks!
Mr. D
____________
What is your favorite room in your house?

Dear Mr. D,
My favorite room in my house is the playroom because it has Legos in it.
Ian

Ian:
You are lucky to have a playroom to keep all of your toys in. Legos are really cool. I know because I spent many hours helping my grandson build things out of the thousands of pieces he has. My favorite thing to build is a castle.
Thanks for sharing.
Mr. D
___________________
What signs of fall do you hear, taste, smell, feel, or see outside?

Dear Mr. D,
The signs of fall I see outside are the leaves are falling, and the trees are going to sleep for the winter. The ground is getting muddy, and the pumpkins are ready. I get to taste pumpkin seeds.
Ian

Ian:
You have made some excellent observations using several of your senses. I don't know about you, but I think Fall is my favorite time of the year. I like to go out where the air is colder, then come inside and turn the heater on to feel the warmth. I like roasted pumpkin seeds, too, but I like pumpkin pie even better!Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Mr. D
________________________
If you could go to outer space or the deepest part of the ocean, which would you choose?

Dear Mr. D,
I would go to the deepest sea because there are animals there that you can't see at the zoo. I could see clams that are open. That would be really neat. A hammerhead shark would look kind of cool because they have small mouths and really small, sharp teeth.
Ian

Ian:
I agree that the ocean has a lot of very interesting and unusual things to look at. I have never been very deep in the ocean, but I have seen some very colorful and strange looking creatures just snorkeling.
Thanks for sharing!
Mr. D
*************************************
Every week I envision his teacher getting his email from Ian. I wonder if he smiles when he reads it. His answers are adorable. I will try to post them every week. They make me smile.

Favorite Words

2008-10-19T19:51:00.001-07:00

Scene:
Amanda coloring the boys' favorite things.

"What is your favorite color, Evan?"

"Blue"

"Ian, what is your favorite color?"

"Red."

"Ian, what is your favorite word?"

"Kitty." (I wonder where he came up with that.)

"What is your favorite word, Evan?"

"Milk, oh never mind. Cow because milk comes from cows, and I really, really like cows and milk. Can I have some milk?"

Bandit and Oreo-CutiePie-Sugary-Duck Ears-Boots

2008-10-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

I have said in the past that to be a small living thing in the presence of Evan would be a challenge. The only thing I can think of that would be more challenging than this picture for a little kitty would be if there was only one. I don't think I need to describe what would happen if that were the situation. So, we have two kittys. We will try the animal thing one more time because we love our kids, and we like cats better than dogs. So, I introduce to you:
Bandit. He has one name because he is owned by Ian. Then there is Oreo-CutiePie-Sugary-Duck Ears-Boots or whatever happens to be on Evan's mind at the moment. These kittys represent their owners quite well. When Evan's kitty first came into the house, he walked up to Coral's dogs and right up to Evan. Little did he know....he would soon meet his match.

The Color Green

2008-10-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have to admit there are times in my life that I struggle with feeling significant to God. How can the God who placed the stars in the sky care about my day to day stuff, my struggles, my joys, my heartaches, my laughter, my tears, my successes? I say I don't doubt His love for me, at least that is what I verbalize and try to convince myself of, but the reality is, I do.

The people I love are treasure to me. I love them. Simply but complexly. I care about them personally, and I care about what happens to them on a day-to-day basis. I rejoice when they succeed, and I cry when they hurt. With each new person that finds their way into my heart, my heart expands, it does not throw away one of the other people I love to make room for the new person I love. How come I can grasp this concept with a simple human, but it is hard for me to grasp with the one true living God? If I can love like that imperfectly, God surely can in all His splendor. Amazing.

He has been speaking to my heart lately regarding this issue. How easily I forget His love for me. He has carried me, literally, from one day to the next. I have seen Him work great and marvelous things in my life. But yet, I think He has forgotten me at times. How unbelieving of me. Could I forget one of my children? Of course not. That is a ridiculous notion.

I was driving down the street a couple of days ago. I was a few blocks from my house. I was minding my own business, spacing out, thinking or not thinking. I don't really remember...but, I noticed the color green.

He made so many things functional and beautiful. But it was something so simple yet so complex that I noticed. It really doesn't have a function. I am sure a scientist could explain it to me, but frankly I don't really need the scientific backing on this issue to figure out one of the reasons He did what He did. He used the color green to get my attention because it is my favorite color. There before me were multiple shades of green. I can't even begin to describe the many shades I saw. I did not stop and observe these colors for long. It was seconds that I saw them, but they are burned into my memory to remind me that He cares about me. He could have simply made green green. But He didn't. He made green so many different shades, and He painted so many different textures and shapes those shades of green. He did it because He wanted us to see something beautiful. He did it because things that are beautiful speak life to my soul. He did it because it made my heart slow down and notice that I was important to Him.

Amazing the color green, that speaks of my God's heart toward me.

What decides your vote?

2008-10-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139: 13-14

There are things we risk and things we gain with the simple act of voting. Some issues are more important than others. I believe our vote defines our values. I will never see it any other way. People say you can't cast your vote on one issue, but I say I can. Of course I tend to agree with the person I vote for on many subjects, but there is one issue that I will NEVER waver on. NEVER. I would rather loose every material possession I have than stand before my God someday and have to explain why I didn't defend the helpless. I will not do that. I will do my best to defend the helpless. The deciding factor for me is life. All life. I am not God. I will not use my vote to help someone determine the fate of another living person who's soul was bought with a price.

We have to be very careful. Very careful. We have no choice but to vote. There is way to much at risk. To not vote is to say that either option is alright. To throw our vote to the wind thinking we will make a statement by voting for someone who has no hope of winning is slitting the throat of a child's right to live. I wish we had more options, but we don't. I wish my party still stood firm on issues that it doesn't, but I believe our choices are far better now than they were a few months ago. We have someone running for Vice President that obviously holds our standards high. She obviously believes in life or her son would not exist or her daughter's child. I don't think I am being wishy washy or playing both sides of the fence on this issue by thinking we have to vote for one of the top runners. Maybe I have given up hope that my vote even counts, but until I know otherwise, I will cast my vote for the one that I believe gives an unborn child's life consideration, or for that matter, a child's life who has already been born consideration. I will not vote for the one who thinks it is alright to let a baby die that is already born just because his or her parent's are inconvenienced by them. That makes me want to throw up.

I found this article worth reading.
http://www.onenewsnow.com/Perspectives/Default.aspx?id=264844

I never knew I was so political, but it is MY blog so I can process things here if I want to. :-)

By the way...

2008-09-26T22:50:00.001-07:00

Since I am on the subject of weight loss, I just thought you all might want to see how much I have lost. I have lost one of these. Seriously. Give me a standing ovation.

40 lbs and still making progress! Yipee.

Do you ever wonder...

2008-09-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why some products or companies come up with the most obvious warnings.

Here is the one I saw tonight.

Frozen product may stick to lips or tongue. Let warm slightly before eating.

Now that is what I want in an icecream bar that I have been saving all day as my treat. One that I have to let warm before I can eat it. Yum.

First of all, who sued this company because their tongue stuck to the ice cream bar? Secondly, the folks that need these kind of warnings obviously did not grow up in a cold area or ever have the adventure of having their tongue froze to the pole of the playground swingset. Now that is real tongue sticking there.

I guess I would have to think that maybe the makers of swingsets and slides, flag poles and bridges, etc. should now put warning stickers that state, "Tongue or lips may stick to flat surfaces if it is so cold outside that you can see your breath," because some youngster might spend most of recess stuck.

For some reason though, I don't think that the average child eats Weight Watchers ice cream bars. So, that would mean this warning is for a full grown adult who contributes to our society in some way, shape, or form.

Come on, people. Do you really need a warning that tells you that your tongue may for a split second stick to your icecream bar? Aren't there bigger things to worry about in the world?

Sky Diving Great Grandma

2008-09-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is right. My mother-in-law who is a great grandma went skydiving. How impressive is that?

Applause, applause....

When my kids are grown...when....maybe I will do this. My friend Krista and I joked about doing this if we didn't get married. That was ten years ago. We were crazy. We are married now, have good husbands to keep us sane and make us insane, have little ones, etc., but maybe we will still do this when we are great grandmas.

Thanks for the inspiration, Arlene.

OLD POSTS

2008-09-14T18:13:00.002-07:00

I went through all my drafts today to organize something that felt manageable. :-) There was way too much laundry to put away. So, here they are, more random thoughts from me....

Things you should never say in public...

2008-09-14T18:13:00.001-07:00

There are some things you probably should never say to your wife in public. Today Evan and I were at the grocery store and this man actually looked at his wife and said, "You have more whiskers then I do." She was older and struggling to get a donut in a bag. I honestly wanted to say, "She obviously has more b_lls then you do also, or you wouldn't feel the need to humiliate her in public." But I didn't. I just smiled at her and ignored him. The thing that always amazes me about people that feel the need to put the people they are suppose to love the most down is how "not put together" they are. Why is that? I was thinking how sweet it would have been if he would have been taking care of her instead. Helping her put the donut in the bag, and then when they got home actually asked his wife if he could help her out with that. Wouldn't that have done her good? I doubt that after all these years she is use to that type of thing. I am sure she still felt humiliated. I don't think you ever get use to it. Respect...what a concept.

Foreign Movies

2008-09-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

I like foreign movies. They make me feel rebellious. I don't watch them anymore because Steve hates them, mostly because of the subtitles. But, if he left town to go camping with his buddies, I would rent one like I use to do when I was single. I'd be the lady in dark sunglasses standing in the Foreign Movie Section late at night being rebellious. Then I would buy red wine and watch my foreign movie. It would be divine.

The Smell of a Homecooked Meal

2008-09-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

Here is another older post I never posted...So, I guess that means it wasn't a post until today. I haven't burned a meal for a week....progress.

Ah, there is nothing like the smell of a home-cooked meal until, wait, what is that smell? Could that be scorched rice or boiled-dry pasta? I am a pretty good cook, but about three months ago I started being distracted while I am cooking. I think I can check the laundry, check my email, or do a report, all of which take much longer than it takes to burn an entire meal. I have burned 4 meals lately. Part of it is I am the kind of person who has only two options in life. I am a black and white person, an on or off person, a full speed or stopped person, a fast or slow person, a clean or messy person. Not much gray in my life most of the time.

So, for some reason I have been whipping the temp up to high on the stove and leaving the room. My family is starting to expect the smoke detectors to go off and have the faint taste of scorched food on their tongues. My pans are paying the price. I have come to learn that people need breaks from the stuff that takes up their time. The computer takes up mine, so I make a vow not to do anything on my computer pertaining to school or personal while I am cooking. Maybe I can become a focused person again. My family would like that, although there are times when I wonder if anyone even notices. The ones who eat eat everything, and the ones who don't eat don't taste it. So, maybe it isn't a big deal....until the house burns down.

Cultural Experiences

2008-09-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is something I wrote months ago. I don't know why I didn't post it, but when I read it today, I liked it, so I am going to post it.

Yesterday I went to a very culturally-rich Chinese restaurant and a tattoo shop. The reason why is not relevant, really. No, I did not get a tattoo, and I did not get food poisoning.

Before I went to the tattoo shop, I imagined a dark dingy room with the smell of incense and cigarettes wafting into my asthma tortured lungs, heavily tattooed men with no morals, and the threat of hepatitis looming the second you walked through the door. I know that is very judgmental. I'm sorry. It really wasn't like that, much to my surprise. It was clean, even the bathroom. Yes, the men had tattoos, but not much more than the average person these days. They used clean equipment, it was well lite, with no incense or cigarette smoke.

Despite the atmosphere being nothing like I imagined, I did want to run. Really fast. I was way out of my comfort zone...way out. But, I didn't run. I made it, and I fulfilled my word. That is a good thing.

You know you should shave your legs when...

2008-09-12T21:23:00.001-07:00

I am homeschooling Ian. It is going well. Really well. I feel like he is really learning stuff, doing things his thinking-for-himself way, coloring thoroughly, taking his articulated time. Evan likes to sit on my lap and squirm and ask me questions and squirm and try to grab the scissors and try to color on something he shouldn't. Today he was squirming on my lap. He must have tried to catch himself or something and grabbed my leg. All of a sudden in a most expressive excited voice, he stated, "Mommy!!!! You are turning into a daddy."

I shaved my legs in the sink a few minutes later...

The other big event of the day happened while I was at Amanda's school exchanging something I bought at the book fair last night. Amazing how some things just seem to work out, but as I was standing in the library, my phone rang. It was the number for the school district. It was the nurse from her school. Amanda had been playing ball at recess. Someone threw a ball, and it hit her in the side of the head. Ouch? Yes, that would hurt and maybe stun, but the real shock came when the other side of her head slammed into the brick wall she was standing next to. Needless to say, she needed her mommy, and I WAS THERE! Yipee. Something made easier in the day. She came home and rested and seems to be on the mend. She will be playing soccer tomorrow, so I think she will be fine. When she was getting in the car, Ian was so excited because he and his sister had hit their heads hard in the same day. He has a nice knot also from standing in a box and tipping over, hitting his head on the handle of the cabinet. Blood and everything. And this day was pretty normal....

Ian Soccer 2008

2008-09-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Ian's first soccer game of 2008. He just keeps on smilin'. He loves it.

Ian's Loose Tooth

2008-08-17T10:50:00.001-07:00

Ian really likes the Olympics. He really likes the swimming. He discovered that he has goggles just like Micheal. Well, his only cost $3.99, but he thinks they are just like Michael's goggles.

He also discovered his first.....loose tooth. He is so excited. I will see him sitting there, and I can see his tongue moving his tooth. He looks very determined when he is trying to move it. He wants us all to feel it, and last night when Ryan went to feel it, he told him he had to wash his hands first. Too funny. Ryan called him Mrs. Davis. Hmm, I wonder why.

Coral and Ryan

2008-08-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

It all started two years ago really. I remember the first time I met Ryan. I had heard his name a few times in the past (like the time we were standing in Winco, and he called and invited Coral to a scary movie), but then I met him one afternoon at a mutual friend's funeral. Coral said she didn't like him, but he obviously liked her. The very first thing I ever heard him say was, "Where is Coral" to a friend of hers that was standing by me. He didn't know who I was.

Then he and a friend of his started hanging around doing odd jobs around the house for us just so they could breath the same air as Coral. They shoveled loads of gravel into the wheelbarrow to put under the play structure for the boys. Like a friend of mine once said, "It pays to have girls." Ryan started hanging out more. Coral said things like "I love him as a friend" which always caused him to stab a pretend sword in his heart. It was getting dramatic.

Things started to change a bit. Coral knew what had to happen if she started liking this boy, and Ryan followed these directions to a T. He asked if he could talk to me and asked us if he and Coral could be a couple. Of course Steve asked him, "A couple of what," but we let him stick around. The rules were firm, and they worked hard to follow them. Basically, Ryan became a part of our family. Most days we had to kick him out because he was here so much. He did everything with us. He wrestled with the boys, did dishes, laid sod in the pouring rain. He has been a blessing to everyone in our family. He treats all of us with respect and has a relationship with each of us. He treats my daughter with respect, and he won her heart. She loves this man.

Then one day, I was running around doing what I do when Ryan walked in the door. Their two-year anniversary was coming up on the 31st. He is always up to something grand for these occasions. We use to joke with him that if he kept up these grand events there would be nothing left when he asked her to marry him. Coral was in California with her best friend, Sara. They went on a road trip they had been planning for over 5 years. So for Ryan to show up on my doorstep was not a surprise. We are her family, so when she is gone we seem to fill a portion of that gap he has without her. The only difference this time was that he looked guilty and giddy. All smiles. As I was running around doing my thing that I do most days, he looked at me and asked for my little girl's hand in marriage. That night he came and asked Steve. We love Ryan, and after a few tears, we gave him our full blessing. He spoke with each of his parents, and they are supportive of Coral and Ryan. He also took the time to ask Coral's dad. I am sure you can image the advice he was given on the subject of marriage in that 3-4 hour encounter. It was fantastic! He looked like he had been run over by a freight train by the time he was done with that encounter, but it speaks of his heart. He did the right thing for Coral.

He went and bought the ring with his mama's help. They picked the perfect ring for Coral. It is beautiful.

Then his creative imagination started planning the event.

On July 31st my family left "early" for our family reunion in California. Little did Coral know that we were going to Rockaway Beach for the big event. We arrived there. It was starting to rain. Tiffani and Lindsey were also there. We went to the hotel we were staying at and went down to the beach. Steve built a fire, we set up a blanket with lanterns, sparkling cider, champagne glasses, and ice cream. The ice cream seems to be something he does for her on their anniversary.

At the same time, Coral and Ryan were driving to the beach. Coral thought he was taking her to the Stephanie Inn for dinner where they had been before. Then he started pulling into various hotels. At that moment she started to panic somewhat, thinking he had finally lost his willpower. But only for a moment, then she thought maybe he was having a party with her friends. Finally he stopped and asked for directions, with Coral's prompting, and found the right hotel. It was dark by now, but he found the place. The girls were hiding in the bushes. Coral could kind of see them, but she thought it was her friends, not her sisters. I made my way down to the beach just in time to see them start to walk towards the water. All I could see was a very faint light from the lantern, but somehow I caught a glimpse of him going down on his knee. Then in the pitch black, with tears in my eyes, I heard a blood curdling scream. The police should have been called. Apparently she tackled him, and I think she may have said yes.

Lindsey raised her arms and let out a victory scream. Then we went down to the beach to congratulate them. She had no idea we were there.

I am blessed Ryan included us. It was perfect for Coral. It was what Ryan imagined it should be, Coral surrounded by the people she loves the most. We talked late into the night. It was really simple and nice.

Thank you Ryan for including us.

We believe in Ryan and Coral. Yes, they are young, etc. etc., but we believe in them. They deserve the recognition for the steps they have taken to stand for purity. They have done everything we have asked up to this point. As children they made wise choices, so we believe they will make the right choices as adults. Life is full of bumps in the road that they will encounter, but I believe they will get over these bumps best together. They have worked through some pretty tough things in the last two years. There were days that I couldn't believe Ryan was standing on my doorstep once again, because I thought it had to be over, but they both believe in commitment, and they both believe they will have one spouse. That is why they have waited for each other. Can you imagine what it speaks to a woman's heart that has been broken by unfaithfulness, to have the man she is going to marry stay pure even when it is the most difficult time for him to do so? I believe it heals her heart and creates a trust that most of us will never experience. If he can do it at 18, he can stay pure in his heart for his wife at 40 etc. Good Job, Ryan and Coral. I am proud of you guys, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. I love you both.

http://familyhiccups.blogspot.com/2006/07/as-if.html

What would you trade your life for?

2008-07-16T22:04:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I think we lose focus on what really matters. I do it all the time. We complain about sleepless nights. We complain about throw up bowls, and better yet, throw up in the carpet and seams of the chair. We complain about kids not doing their chores, having to drive kids around and having to remind them to say thank you before they trot off with their friends to have fun without us. We complain about stretch marks, fat thighs, saggy tops, and wrinkles caused by those sleepless nights...

but if we allow ourselves to sit back in the exhaustion and stop and look, it all becomes very clear. Would we change a thing? Would we give up these precious people for a good night's sleep, white carpet, or a full tank of gas? I wouldn't. When it all comes down to it, when the day is over, when we are sitting in a quiet house with no sticky fingerprints on the glass door, we will remember that this is why we do and did everything. For the relationships we have and will have until we are laying on our death bed and breathe our last breath. This is all that matters.

I was remembering the other day what 20 years can look like and how fast it can go. I would never trade sitting with my little one on my lap, smelling the top of their chubby, hot little head, having those big eyes look at me as if I am not flawed, but beautiful. To have them know the moment they are born that I am their mommy. No one else will do. I have such mixed emotions these days. Being the mother of a 20 year old and a 4 year old and all those inbetween. I am exhausted most days, but I go to bed realizing that there are children that are mine out in this big world, and I am not there to tuck them into their beds, or kiss their owies, or wipe their tears from their faces. I can't protect them like I use to. I feel sad and partially empty. And then, someone calls me from the next room because they need a drink before they can close their little eyes and sleep, and I feel frustrated rather than grateful that I have another day to do this, another day to have someone need me in these ways.

The thing I hate the most about my parenting is when I hear myself saying, "in a minute." The truth is is that those minutes go by so fast, and soon they won't want or need me to play with them. They will be looking for other things in life, like some of my precious girls are already doing. I can't make time stop. I don't want it to stop because each new phase is so amazing in itself. But I don't want to forget either. I don't want to forget how fast it goes, how gloriously exhausting it can be to sit by a little one's bed all night and when they wake up to see they are relieved I am still there, how soft their pudgy little fingers are or use to be. I can't forget that I am blessed. That God chose ME to be their mommy because He knew, that in Him, I was up for the task. I don't want to forget I can hold on and let go at the same time. I don't want to forget that my failures and accomplishments are all mixed together to make me the mother I am. These are the people and the things that made me who I am. This is my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Otter Pop and Toy Stands

2008-07-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Oh the precious memories of summer. Today Amanda was having a lemonade stand on the corner with all kinds of stuff. Ian really wanted to be with her, but she was with her friend. They wanted time to do their own thing. They are 12. Ian was up early trying to find treasures to sell. So, I let him have an otter pop/toy sale. Here they are. They made $1.00, which they spent at the competition down the sidewalk.

If you need them to stop eating so much sugar, do this...

2008-07-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

"You should have said, "No more for Evan!"

I go to OHSU twice a week. They know us there. My boys are so adorable that even the head of the dermatology department thinks they are cute. He is the guy with the gray hair, big degree, big office, lots of money, no worries about gas prices. Ya, him. His big office has candy, so the nurse took them to "raid" it today. He loved it. I felt important because I was the mother of the 2 little boys roaming the sacred, private halls of one of the largest university hospitals in the country. I wasn't invited mind you. I had to sit on the crinkly safety paper waiting to have my hands lasered. No chocolate for mommy.

We got in the car. I had said yes to the sucker even though they had one piece of licorice. I was feeling generous. But, half way home, Evan says the above to me. Wow. I almost hit a passing car trying to reach in the backseat to save my son from pancreatic failure. He has never even said that to me the day after Halloween. So, I asked him why. Ian says, "He had 2 pieces of licorice, chocolate, and a sucker." And then Evan adds, "And chocolate milk." Then I am sure Ian said, "Maybe you should spank him when we get home," because that is what he says whenever Evan does anything. The only variation of his attitude is when he thinks Evan should get two spankings instead of one. Actually by the time we got home today, Ian had decided Evan needed four swats. I thought he only deserved three, but that is another story.

Once again, being the good mother that I am, I have taught my children well. Too much candy will give you a tummy ache, even if it is from a rich doctor's office.

The Big Four

2008-06-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, my little miracle! I can't believe you are 4...

Graduation 2008

2008-06-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Coral Skye

First Place!

2008-06-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

See her! She is in the middle. She is head flute. Her band got 1st in their division. Good job, Amanda! I am actually sad that the season is over, and I won't get to watch her march in anymore parades this year. I am excited for next year though.