Time

Last night I had a good cry. The kind that feels really good. The kind that is triggered by something small because your body just needs to cleanse.

I cried and cried remembering when they were little.

They were in their little dresses I had made them, and they were sliding down the slide at the park. Then they ran over to me. I was waiting on the blanket to read them their library books. They were giggling.

It was like a movie in my head.

The scenes kept coming...

Teenagers

Boyfriends

Fiancés

Marriage

A baby growing in one of their tummies

Where did the time go?

It went way too fast.

I love this stage of my life, but I miss my little girls. I love the relationship I have with each one of them, but I miss their huge smiles as they run toward me knowing I will be there to catch them when they leap into my arms

I love living in the present. I look forward to a future filled with 14 kids and who knows how many grandchildren, but the opportunity to raise my girls was a beautiful one and sometimes I wish for a day I could gather them all in my arms again and just hold them, knowing that for a moment I could keep them safe.

I am so blessed. I am not sure what went right in my life that my girls trust me and actually like me. Sometimes I think that being a single mom when they were little drove us into a deepness in our relationship that can never be broken.

There have been days when I have done the wrong thing, and I am sure they have talked to each other about "mom." That is okay. I am perfectly fine with the fact that I am not perfect. I will fail my children, despite the fact that I desperately don't ever want to hurt them. Hopefully, I am the kind of person that can hear my kids when I have wronged them. I desperately want to. To not be defensive but to be loving and kindhearted, knowing that I am capable of hurting those I love. I want to be humble.

We get one chance to go around this life, and I am so thankful that I get to do it with my girls. I love getting a phone call or text from them. I love being needed. I love being wanted. I love watching them mature and grow and develop their own sense of who they are.

I just simply adore them.

Now I need to go play “kiss the boy.” It is Ian’s and my newest game. I think I will play it with Evan also.