My Story

I love to journal. There is nothing quite like it. Pouring my heart out, being real in a way that sometimes I just can't be with anyone but myself, and even then it can make me cringe when I "read" what I am actually thinking and feeling. Sometimes it is way too raw for comfort.

So many of my journal entries are just pouring out my heart to Jesus. He can take it. I am so thankful He doesn't decide some days that I went to far, I was too real, or that He just can't take it any longer. I am so blessed to have a living, breathing, relational God.

I have been reading about the Roman Empire lately...another fabulous set of books from my favorite author, Francine Rivers. Not to get on a side note, but people then completely sold out to statues of dead, non breathing gods. I guess this isn't far from where many are today...maybe even me at times, although my "gods" aren't statues. They unfortunately exist in my heart. The god of fear. The god of pride...I NEED a breathing God. I NEED a living God. I need a relational God. I am way to messed up to do this without Him. I am too human to not know that I am nothing without him.

But, the Christians during that time, when the dark was so dark, I can learn from them. To stand in the path of a starving lion and not run, counting it all joy to die for their faith in the one true God. I want a faith like that. I want to count it all joy when I fall into trials. To get that this is not the end of the story. That the days when it is all too much...it isn't over.

But, back to journaling. It is obvious why I journal isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder if I should burn some of my old journals so my girls won't find them when I am dead and gone. The gory details...it helps to write them down. I use to scream whole pages....sometimes, I admit, I still do.

But, then I realize that I want my girls to know I was real, I was human...and that I made it even when my heart was ugly, hurt, broken, and joyful. I want them to know my love for Jesus and his love for me were consistent, even when I was all messed up. I want them to know that no matter what they think or feel in their hearts, no matter how much they doubt, they are not beyond redemption or purpose or Jesus love. My one true goal is to be real. When I am gone, I want to be known as authentic, not plastic. So, I will keep accumulating my stack of journals. And maybe someday, when one of my precious girls wants to give up, she will open one of my journals, read one of my stories, and see that if I could make it, so can she. And then, I pray she will know that she knows that she knows where my strength and her strength comes from. Our living breathing God who desires relationship with us, whose heart is for us, who has a purpose and a plan for us. It is a good thing to know. It is the most important part of my story.