I think I need therapy.
No really.
What pushed me to this realization?
The other day someone who means nothing positive to me decided to knock on my door and say some ridiculously mean things about me and my family. I, being the protective mom that I am, defended my babies and then started crying. She then proceeded to tell me to get a handle on myself. As mean as it was, I kind of agree with her. Why was I crying over her? What the heck? She is crazy. No really. I am not joking. Can I say that? If you know me, you know I am a nice person. I have forgiven even the worst of my "enemies." And, I need to continue working on this with her, but what got me is how hard I took it. Really??? Seriously??? Any sane person would tell me to let it roll off me like water off a ducks back, that there is nothing rational in this situation, etc. I have dealt with her and hers for years. She has made it clear that she hates me because I am an "over zealous Christian freak." Hmmm...k! Maybe that is a compliment. I truly have no idea why she would say that to me. I have tried to encouraged her through some tough times, asked her to forgive me when I have been short with her, let her kids in my house, taught my kids to forgive even when it is not easy and we have truly been wronged. I have never "preached" at her, judged her, etc. At least I don't think I have.
Anyway, I am rambling. The point is, after she left, I vowed to never leave my house again, I closed my curtains so she couldn't see me...she is my neighbor, told my boys they could never play in the front again, and then cried for like...6 hours. The kind of crying that makes the blood vessels in your eyes break. Please say it for me! WHAT THE HECK! Why did she get to push me over the edge?
Can I just say that the past 8 months have knocked it out of me....whatever "it" is?
I have felt this day coming for awhile now, felt myself slipping a little bit. When I stop and think about all that has happened in my life since September, it is clear why I would need to process it with someone who can handle me sitting there bawling, but the question is...do I have the energy to search for that person?
I guess I have realized that even though I had lots of people walking through this stuff with me, no one walked through each moment with me. Some of it was flat out traumatizing. I am not saying that lightly. Believe me, you would probably end up on your knees over some of this stuff too. I am not faint of heart...or I didn't use to be anyway. The things I have experienced are tough by themselves, but I had at least 8 things hitting me hard, one after another, some colliding into each other, some still happening. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I thank God that I am still standing. Without him I would not be. That is for sure. But...
The past 8 months have left me feeling
tired~well exhausted really.
like a failure on some levels~I don't know if I will ever live up to others expectations.
overwhelmed~when will it end?
fat~10 pounds???
aged~did I look this way 8 months ago?
defeated~at least today.
afraid~what if it doesn't stop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry to be a downer.
But, this is it today.
This is real.
This is me right now.
Maybe, I pray, tomorrow will be better.
I need that.
2 comments:
Oh my friend... I don't know all the things that have fallen over you the last 8 months, I'm so sorry for everything... and you know it's ok to fall apart once in a while! Sometimes just living is a lot of work, and I so get it about not knowing if you have the energy to find someone to process it all through with! Wish I could come up and let you cry on my shoulder and make it all better! But, going through the few things I'm going through,I know its not that simple! I pray the Lord grant you peace, and that you could feel Him walking through all this krap with you!
For what it's worth, I think you are amazing!
Hang in there. Even God chose times to "come away for solitude and prayer"
The straw that broke your back was the fact that that woman was running down your children and as a mother you were heart broken for them. And she knew you wouldn't retaliate.
Make a phone call to your doctor and let them lead you to the right person who will help you through this.
Doing this is not defeatist, it is recognising that you need the help to come through this and you are strong because you are going to go and get it.
And remember God will never leave you nor defeat you.
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