Thursday, May 20, 2010

Time

Last night I had a good cry. The kind that feels really good. The kind that is triggered by something small because your body just needs to cleanse.

I cried and cried remembering when they were little.

They were in their little dresses I had made them, and they were sliding down the slide at the park. Then they ran over to me. I was waiting on the blanket to read them their library books. They were giggling.

It was like a movie in my head.

The scenes kept coming...

Teenagers

Boyfriends

Fianc├ęs

Marriage

A baby growing in one of their tummies

Where did the time go?

It went way too fast.

I love this stage of my life, but I miss my little girls. I love the relationship I have with each one of them, but I miss their huge smiles as they run toward me knowing I will be there to catch them when they leap into my arms

I love living in the present. I look forward to a future filled with 14 kids and who knows how many grandchildren, but the opportunity to raise my girls was a beautiful one and sometimes I wish for a day I could gather them all in my arms again and just hold them, knowing that for a moment I could keep them safe.

I am so blessed. I am not sure what went right in my life that my girls trust me and actually like me. Sometimes I think that being a single mom when they were little drove us into a deepness in our relationship that can never be broken.

There have been days when I have done the wrong thing, and I am sure they have talked to each other about "mom." That is okay. I am perfectly fine with the fact that I am not perfect. I will fail my children, despite the fact that I desperately don't ever want to hurt them. Hopefully, I am the kind of person that can hear my kids when I have wronged them. I desperately want to. To not be defensive but to be loving and kindhearted, knowing that I am capable of hurting those I love. I want to be humble.

We get one chance to go around this life, and I am so thankful that I get to do it with my girls. I love getting a phone call or text from them. I love being needed. I love being wanted. I love watching them mature and grow and develop their own sense of who they are.

I just simply adore them.

Now I need to go play “kiss the boy.” It is Ian’s and my newest game. I think I will play it with Evan also.

2 comments:

Angela said...

Shelley, Im your neighbor, Angela! Read that you had a blog on your FB page and I have been reading your blogs. LOVED this post! I truly did. Made me cry. You say things so beautifully. I love how you think! I think alot of your same thoughts. :) I have a blog, too. I hope you dont mind but I actually copied this post and pasted it on mine because it was so beautiful. Don't worry. I totally gave you the credit! (Hope you don't mind). Thanks for blessing me with it (and others who read my blog). You are obviously an incredible mom and woman. And I really think you are wonderful! Bless you! I eill keep stopping in and reading. I am liek you. People's comments make me feel loved...I never get any but I keep doing it anyway. Sigh. :)
~Love, Angela

Arlene said...

I know how you feel. They're up and out before you know it. I still choke up when I hear "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof.