Freedom

It is an amazing thing to watch a heart go from cold and hard to soft and pliable. I have always thought that the biggest miracle we could possibly see is the healing of a human heart. It seems impossible almost, like once a heart is broken, it is very difficult to mend it back to normal. But I serve a God who not only brings our hearts back to a place of normalcy but actually makes them brand new. Brand New!

I have suffered from severe bitterness in my life. Severe. Like the kind where you wished someone would cease to exist. Ouch. That is ugly...but it is true, and I have learned that you can't truly heal until you look at where you are right now. So, I have been looking. I have been on this journey for years, and little by little my heart gets closer to wholeness...maybe actually for the very first time.

People ask me how to let go of bitterness. First of all, how amazing is that?! They ask me? The bitterness queen...Oh, that is right, I am now the bitterness queen who is being healed, who has somehow learned how to trust rather than guard myself in some facade of security that really only causes me to be lonely and angry...and sad.

I don't have an easy answer. It is a process. It is not fast for most of us. It is a dying to self and self protection. It is learning that you can trust YOURSELF again. Sometimes I think we use bitterness to excuse ourselves from making the decisions to love and trust. It is easier that way. We don't have to think. We don't have to be vulnerable. We can just stay angry, and we even think we can justify it.

But I think the biggest thing is dying to the need for control. We can put up huge walls made of thick stone, walls that not even a blast of dynamite can break through. But really, are our hearts really protected there or are they festering into a bloody infected mess? No oxygen. No life. Just stale air that leads to more infection and pain. Life can't survive there, let alone the ability to love and be loved.

We have to be willing to not be in control. I am not talking about letting yourself get hurt by someone who can't be trusted, but the thing about bitterness is that most of the time the person we are bitter toward isn't really affected, but those we really love are. Let me say it again. Those we really love are...That is a sad reality.

In the past year, I have gone from despising certain people, to just not being affected by them. I have learned that when I allow myself to be healed of bitterness towards someone, the feelings that replace the bitterness aren't always something I would have expected. For instance, in one particular circumstance, I just don't feel anything really. There is simply a feeling that they are acquaintances, neither good nor bad. It is kind of like what you might feel toward your grocery store checker or the bank teller. It is very interesting indeed. My feelings towards them no longer steal my time or my heart. There is no hatred or longing for some sort of retaliation. I am no longer ill-willed toward the person. I might even venture to say that I want the best for them. I am free. That is crazy amazing.

But, of course there are people who we dearly love that we have bitterness towards. People who we can't separate from ourselves most days, nor do we want to. That I have found is even tougher. My question is, why oh why do we think bitterness is going to protect us? It deceives us into thinking we are safe, but that is a lie. We are isolated and hurt by it. To be able to release that and allow our God to heal us is the true miracle, to not be afraid of our feelings from the past, but to be able to look at them and forgive.

The saddest bitterness I have experienced is holding onto it with the full knowledge that the person I am holding it against is not the same person that hurt me any longer. They have done everything they can to change the circumstances. They have asked for forgiveness. They have put up with my crap to try and show that they are sorry, and yet I still have tortured them with my lack of forgiveness. That is my issue not theirs, and it is just as damaging in our relationships as the original offense or offenses were.

It is time to mature. It is time to break down the walls. It is time to stop believing the lie that bitterness protects us. It is time to stand up and be healed. It is time to be FREE.

Nothing leaves me more speechless than that.