Saturday, October 02, 2010

Too Honest?

Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am way too real with this button I can push and send my thoughts into some great unknown.

but...

I want to.

It is therapy.

Sometimes I wish that someone would look at me and tell me that it is okay that I feel like pulling my hair out and running down the street like a mad woman.

I think that way too much.

It is kind of scary.

Maybe someday I will.

Maybe it would be the best thing I could do.

I will leave my clothes on though. Sometimes I envision myself running down the street stripping my clothes off like a total freak. Ha!

Don't worry. I won't. That would be way too hard to face the neighbors everyday for the next 22 years until the mortgage is paid off.

Maybe I desire freedom.

Maybe that is why I want to run and run until I can't run any longer.

Not from my family.

I adore them.

I have no desire to be alone.

I do desire to figure out how to not run in the same circle everyday. I feel like a hamster.

I don't want to run in a circle.

I want to feel the wind in my face, the rain beating on me while I sob and no one can tell.

Sometimes I just need to be free.

Sometimes I need to cry.

Sometimes I need to scream where no one can hear me.

Is there a place like that?

I could do more things for myself, but usually by the time I have the time, I am exhausted. Completely exhausted.

Why is it that moms feel so tired all the time?

Doesn't it seem like this should be when we never run out of energy?

It is taking a toll on my relationship with my man.

No worries.

We are committed.

but...

We don't feel connected to each other right now.

I need to change this.

I need to remember him and me, what we are together, because when we are together, we are amazing.

Amazing.

I want amazing.

I know this is life.

I know he is my family.

I know this isn't unusual.

I know that it can't always be what I want it to be.

but...

I need to apologize more.

I need to listen more.

I need to shut up more.

Why is that so hard?

Why do we fear the truth?

The truth can hurt.

It can sting.

At times I don't want to look at the truth.

Sometimes I don't want to face that at times I treat him poorly because I can.

Yuk...

I don't want to acknowledge that I can be ugly with him.

but...

The truth sets us free.

If we know the truth, we can change our actions.

If we believe a lie that everything is okay when it is not, we become fools.

I do not desire to be fooled.

I desire real.

3 comments:

Adrienne said...

I love you, Shell.....love your transparency...and you AREN'T CRAZY....Well, actually, maybe you are, but then if you are I am right there with you and can guarantee that there are WAY more of us than them! Maybe you need to "run" to NY for a few days? Just a thought.....

Melissa said...

Oh Shellie, if you ever take that crazy run, then I will truly feel free to do the same!! (yes, I think most of us mom's feel that way! all the time right now for me!!!) Time for a night away for you and Steve!

Angela said...

Shellie, um.....three words. My thoughts exactly! Sounds a bit like one of my last blog posts! Yes, i so relate, my dear. TO ALL OF IT- even the marriage stuff. OH SO MUCH. I want to do that, too run like a mad woman (not naked :)). and scream. i, too desire freedom, the kind you talk about, not away from my family, but yes, like what you said. i want that place, too. :) we need to get together more. i love your mind. it works similiar to mine, you are real through and through..and at the end of it you always come back to Christ. You are wise. :) Loved this post!!