Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am way too real with this button I can push and send my thoughts into some great unknown.
I want to.
It is therapy.
Sometimes I wish that someone would look at me and tell me that it is okay that I feel like pulling my hair out and running down the street like a mad woman.
I think that way too much.
It is kind of scary.
Maybe someday I will.
Maybe it would be the best thing I could do.
I will leave my clothes on though. Sometimes I envision myself running down the street stripping my clothes off like a total freak. Ha!
Don't worry. I won't. That would be way too hard to face the neighbors everyday for the next 22 years until the mortgage is paid off.
Maybe I desire freedom.
Maybe that is why I want to run and run until I can't run any longer.
Not from my family.
I adore them.
I have no desire to be alone.
I do desire to figure out how to not run in the same circle everyday. I feel like a hamster.
I don't want to run in a circle.
I want to feel the wind in my face, the rain beating on me while I sob and no one can tell.
Sometimes I just need to be free.
Sometimes I need to cry.
Sometimes I need to scream where no one can hear me.
Is there a place like that?
I could do more things for myself, but usually by the time I have the time, I am exhausted. Completely exhausted.
Why is it that moms feel so tired all the time?
Doesn't it seem like this should be when we never run out of energy?
It is taking a toll on my relationship with my man.
We are committed.
We don't feel connected to each other right now.
I need to change this.
I need to remember him and me, what we are together, because when we are together, we are amazing.
I want amazing.
I know this is life.
I know he is my family.
I know this isn't unusual.
I know that it can't always be what I want it to be.
I need to apologize more.
I need to listen more.
I need to shut up more.
Why is that so hard?
Why do we fear the truth?
The truth can hurt.
It can sting.
At times I don't want to look at the truth.
Sometimes I don't want to face that at times I treat him poorly because I can.
I don't want to acknowledge that I can be ugly with him.
The truth sets us free.
If we know the truth, we can change our actions.
If we believe a lie that everything is okay when it is not, we become fools.
I do not desire to be fooled.
I desire real.