Friday, May 05, 2006

The Intruder

I stood there just staring and speechless. He stared back. I terrified, sweating, shaking. He calm, not moving a muscle. There he was. Standing in my laundry room hunched down in the corner. He came in from the garage door which I thought was locked. An intruder in my house. Intruders aren't safe. They want to harm my children and me. Steve, where was Steve? There was no man to protect me. I had to fight him off all by myself. How can this many thoughts go through one person's mind in a few seconds. So being the brave soul that I am looked for the nearest weapon. My bottle of Clorox, my broom? No, laundry baskets and my cat. Quick on my feet I barricaded him in with the laundry baskets and threw the cat at him. That got him a little spooked so he ran for cover only to be picked up and tossed around the room a few times like a play thing. The whole time involuntary screams are coming out of me. I am not a screamer. I survived two years as a single mother and have four teenage daughters. I do not scream, yet there I was involuntarily screeching at the top of my lungs. I ran for cover, slamming the laundry room door behind me. I shiver and shake. My hair stands on end as I dance around the kitchen. My children look on in ah that something could actually get this kind of reaction out of their ever in control mother. Ehm. You can see that they are interested in this power that can actually turn their mother into a maniac, and they want to know what that is. They want to use that power. I regain my composure and decide I need to make sure that I know whether or not the intruder is still in my house, has become cat pooh, or is in waiting to watch the dancing freak. So I bang loudly on the door to warn that I am coming in. More involuntary screams as I dance about looking on at my freeloading cat. Finally he turns and leaves. The intruder that is. A little shaken, but no real reaction. Never to be seen again. I throw the cat out in the garage and tell him if he ever wants to eat again at my expense he will learn to be a real man and protect his home. Then I call my neighbor who owns snakes and ask for help. No, I did not want to let the snake loose in my home. I wanted the neighbor to come be my knight in shining armor since my husband was off making a living. How dare him. My neighbor didn't answer so my solution? DUCT TAPE...And lots of it. Every nook and cranny between my home and the garage is duct taped. Not just any duct tape, but bright red Winco $1.99 per roll duct tape. The kind that screams to my husband as he walks by, "There is a problem here. Please fix me so your wife doesn't have an aesthetic breakdown before the day is over." The next step? Spend this weeks paycheck on bait, traps, any inhuman paraphernalia that will concur the intruder if he ever tries to return. All this..For a field mouse that the good fairy is constantly trying to turn little bunny Fu Fu into.......

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