Wednesday, April 16, 2008
This place I am in...
How did I get to the place where my emotions are so raw? I feel like my heart is exposed to the air, when it is suppose to be tucked neatly in my body. It would have been so much easier if I would have never become a mother. I could have remained numb rather than being exposed like a person who has had the sheet ripped off of them by someone they trust. I am a mother of small children and a mother of adults. I am still wiping bottoms, but helping my children pack and move. I have had children leave before it was their time to leave. I have been rejected and looked up to at the same time. I feel my children pushing against me to get away and yet wanting to still be safe in my arms. Tugging, pushing, tugging pushing. Do I reach or put my arms down to my sides to help them move on. I don't know how to do this, and there are no answers. It is just what I have to do. This is what I have to feel. There is no getting around this mountain I am facing, and it scares me. I don't know if I have the endurance to face it. It is too big. How can my feelings catch up with reality? How do I allow my roll to change without feeling like I am being ripped apart from the inside? How do I play all the rolls that are expected of me? How do I not feel guilt for my failures, but proud of myself for the things I have survived? How do I believe that they see past my mistakes and realize that I would stop breathing for them? That I tried. That I did my best. That they were and are everything to me. How do I face this next level of maturity? How do I stop crying? How do I grieve because I want to sit in the park and read library books to my little girls who are dressed in jumpers I made them with the smell of fall in the air and the sound of their innocent voices telling me they love me. How do I welcome the people they have become? How do I do this gracefully?
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry Shellie ! I've been trying to think of something to say that will make you feel better, but there's nothing. I too can't believe how raw we become after having kids. (or "kid" in my case) The love and willingness to sacrifice is amazing. You will get through this. Thank you for sharing your heart !
Love you,
-Krista
i dont expect anything from you mom. you are so much more then i could ever ask. i am so proud of you and i love you so much. when you are feeling week and drained from everything just remember that you have six kids that will never stop loving you and would do anything and everything for you. we love you so much
tiffani
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